Advice from Carolyn Hax for Oct. 20

2013-10-20T00:00:00Z 2014-07-03T11:44:47Z Advice from Carolyn Hax for Oct. 20Carolyn Hax Washington Post Writers Group Arizona Daily Star
October 20, 2013 12:00 am  • 

Dear Carolyn:

My only child, his wife and two children live a substantial distance away. Both my son and daughter-in-law have highly demanding, stressful careers. My husband and I are self-employed, so we can be flexible. We see our son and his family every couple of months and try to be as helpful as the distance permits. We have, for example, several times gone to visit on short notice to baby-sit.

Although my daughter-in-law can be effusively appreciative, she frequently scolds me or my husband. I have received emails that do not say, “Dear MIL, thank you for your help,” but only, “You left the garage door open and a raccoon could have turned over the garbage. You need to be more careful.” Once when we were 45 minutes late getting home with the children from a play group, I received an email chiding me for not being respectful of her parenting preferences. When we take the family on nice vacations (often to a location she has chosen), she complains that someplace else would have been better.

When I asked my son how I should respond to her criticism, he said she doesn’t intend to be mean, but she reacts without thinking. It is important to have a good relationship with her, we appreciate that we get to see our grandchildren often and we don’t want to put our son in the middle. Should we just ignore her critiques?

— S.

Mostly, yes.

You’ve covered the main reason: grandchild access, which is good for all of you.



Another reason to let her scoldings bounce off: If she is as critical of your son and their kids as she is of you, then your son will need people outside his home whom he can count on to love him and his kids purely; relationships with difficult or critical people can really bang up one’s sense of self. If you engage with his wife on these insults, which are more about her than they are about you, then you can’t be fully available to him.

Another possible reason: The criticisms you cite strike me as a little bizarre, as does her emailing them to you later instead of just saying as you arrive — “You’re 45 minutes late! Now they’re late for hula-hoop lessons!” Throw in the career, maybe — is it a brainy one? — and the fact that her criticisms are rather bloodless corrections — right? — and I wonder if this isn’t more about her poor grasp of social norms than anything else.

Not that this would make her emails a bucket of giggles to open, but it might help you minimize their effect.

Dear Carolyn:

At what point do you drop a friend because you just can’t deal with her lifestyle choices?

A good friend from college married soon after graduation, and returned to her small hometown. Seven years ago, she learned that her husband had a mistress.

 She indulges in occasional bouts of self-pity, but for the most part insists that “everything else in my life is pretty good,” so she’s not willing to abandon ship. When her husband recently went into the hospital, she and Mistress took turns caring for him.

When I think back to the beautiful, vivacious and ambitious friend I knew in college, I want to scream.

Sad to say, I have simply lost respect for her. I don’t want to do anything as dramatic as make this proclamation and cut her out of my life, but I am fed up with the situation. Any suggestions?

— L.

A funny thing happened as I was reading your letter. Your opening line nudged me toward “lifestyle choices” that involve recklessness or malice.

But no. If you’re right about her lost vivacity, then her choices harm mainly her, with sadness. (... And not just judging her. Not all complicated marriages are spirit-snuffers. If you do judge her, then be honest about that, too.)

So here’s my advice: Act with love for her, since it’s possible she can’t right now.

“When I think back to the beautiful, vivacious and ambitious friend I knew in college, I want to scream. I have some distance here, and can see how the past X years have affected you. Your light is going out. I don’t know how to respond anymore.” A good friend won’t “drop” someone without first trying the truth.

Email Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at facebook.com/carolyn.hax

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