DEAR AMY: I was dating this wonderful guy for about a month. We deleted our dating profiles together and our relationship blossomed.
He asked me if I would move in with him next year when his job sends him to a new location. The sparks were amazing: great chemistry, intelligent conversations.
Last Tuesday he says, “We need to talk.” It turns out he’s married. His wife told him she was gay, and he assured me he would never take her back. The only problem was that in that state, they require a year for a divorce to be finalized.
The ex-wife filed for divorce in July, so I told him “OK, we can do this, right?” He’s like, “Yeah, you mean so much to me.” I agreed to stay with him.
Two days later he says (again) that we need to talk. Basically he said he needed to get his head together and was not fit to date me —or anyone. He said he wanted no contact with me until the divorce is finalized. No calls. No texts. No hanging out.
Then I got a text saying he is returning to his home state next week because his mother is suicidal.
I think he’s going back to his wife. I never lied to him or betrayed him the way she did. It’s not fair. He won’t answer my calls, and I’m beside myself.
I appreciate your common sense. What do you make of this? — Devastated
DEAR DEVASTATED: Here’s what I make of this: He’s a liar and you’re a mark. I have a strong feeling he has probably met other women the same way he met you, and he is stringing along more than one woman.
Think about it: If he is so all-fired righteous about his wedding vows, then why did he jump into the online dating pool in the first place? And this detail about his mother —what’s that about? It’s about his disappearance.
Chemistry is awesome. But chemistry pales in comparison to the real deal: Honesty, integrity, reliability and the old-fashioned ability to live a high-functioning life.
I prescribe a “man diet” for a few weeks while you sort out what you might have done differently — and what you will do differently next time.
DEAR AMY: I manage a tight-knit office with seven employees. We have an opening and so I told “Laura” about it. She and I used to work together. She had a great work ethic, was always professional, punctual and productive. She hates her current job, and so I suggested she apply here.
During her interview with me, she did fairly well so I called my staff in next to meet with her alone (I always let my staff meet with potential candidates). Afterward they reported to me that she was defensive and made remarks such as, “I don’t come to work to make friends, I come to work to work,” and, “It is not my job to handle conflict with another employee — it’s management’s job.” They said her body language was defensive.
Because she “bombed” the meeting with my employees the consensus was that she would not be a good fit for our company. I did not hire her.
Should I give her any feedback concerning her interview? I would hate for her to continue in this manner with future interviews and would really like to help her professionally. — Manager
DEAR MANAGER: I think it is somewhat unusual to be interviewed by potential co-workers and “Laura” might have been responding with hostility to the awkwardness of the situation and unable to rise to the occasion to charm them.
You don’t need to volunteer feedback unless she solicits it.
DEAR AMY: Thanks for the beautiful response to “Unexpected Widow.”
My mom (84 years old and married to my dad for 63 years) was recently widowed. She read your column and called me immediately and said how much better she felt after reading your response.
Thanks for being so sensitive to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one. — Todd
DEAR TODD: This sweet note made me misty. Please send an extra hug her way.