Ask Amy for June 15: Man wants to warn suitor away from his ex

2014-06-15T00:00:00Z 2014-07-03T11:04:30Z Ask Amy for June 15: Man wants to warn suitor away from his exBy Amy Dickinson Tribune Content Agency Arizona Daily Star

DEAR AMY: I dated a young lady — 26 years old — who has five children by multiple fathers.

I was aware that she has psychological issues, but I loved her and tried pushing her to seek help, which she agreed to, but it never happened.

Now that we have broken up, I've sought counseling and done some reading of my own to try to understand her better and recognize my own mistakes. I've learned that she neatly fits the profile of someone with borderline personality disorder.

Here is my dilemma. She is dating a 20-year-old man who seems to be madly in love with her. He is not concerned that she has so many children by multiple fathers or that she lost custody of two of them. She has never been monogamous.

While I was reasonably aware of what I was getting into (I'm college educated and in my 30s), I'm concerned she could do real damage to him.

I tried talking to her, to no avail (we are still friends). I suppose there is nothing I can do and I should mind my own business, but I do know one of his parents.

I've considered telling his parent what I know so they can at least offer guidance to their son, but I'm afraid I'm overstepping my bounds and will just make things worse because of my own past involvement with her. Your advice? — Worried

DEAR WORRIED: Unfortunately, as you know from your own experience, the insidious ferocity of someone with borderline personality disorder often matches the depth of the hubris of the person she is with. While it is not a good idea for amateurs like you (and me) to diagnose others, people with this psychological disorder are often very compelling and find themselves matched with people who think they can manage, help or cure them.

You should not tell this young man what to do but only offer your own experience as a guide. Do not go through his parents. You can expect that your warnings will fall upon deaf ears and that this guy will have to experience this human tornado on his own, just as you did.

DEAR AMY: I recently hosted a bridal shower for my niece. The bride's mother not only knitted during the shower but told her knitting friends to bring their knitting as well. These women knitted when there was time during the event.

The same person attended my grandchild's school musical, where she knitted.

I am upset by this, but I haven't said anything. When strangers play with their phones during performances, this also upsets me.

I know I am a dinosaur, but is this the new accepted behavior? Any suggestions to help me not get upset? — Dinosaur

DEAR DINOSAUR: You may be a dinosaur, but attending to one's phone during social events and performances is still considered rude.

Knitting, however, is another matter. Across the ages, people (mainly women) have been multitasking by using some of their energy during social occasions to knit or do needlework. Realizing this might help you rein in your reaction. It seems to me that this is a homey, appropriate pursuit during a bridal shower or before (not during) a school musical.

If something bothers you, you should tell that person, rather than sit in judgment as you seethe.

You could say, "You know, it bothers me when you knit during events because I can't tell if you are paying attention."

That person might reassure you that she is able to take in everything as she knits. Or she might brand you as being a "knit-picker."

Either way, you will have expressed yourself, and this might help you let it go.

DEAR READERS: I want to offer a special shoutout and thank-you to all the great fathers out there. Fathers (and stepfathers and grandfathers) don't always get all the respect they deserve, but so many dads do the true heavy lifting of family life.

I hope my readers take the time today to thank and celebrate the dads in their lives. Happy Father's Day.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@tribune.com

Follow her on Twitter @askingamy or "like" her on Facebook. Amy Dickinson's memoir, "The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them" (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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