Ask Amy: Man has trouble coming out to mom

2014-06-06T00:00:00Z 2014-07-03T11:05:23Z Ask Amy: Man has trouble coming out to momBy Amy Dickinson Tribune Content Agency Arizona Daily Star

DEAR AMY: I am a gay man and am having a horrible time coming out to my mother. I have an amazing boyfriend, and I love him dearly but it hurts not being able to tell her that I am gay.

She basically thinks that I am trying to “pray away the gay,” which is something she applauds.

She is very religious and it scares me because we are so close, and I don’t want to lose her.

I lose sleep over this because part of me thinks she knows and is in denial. I don’t exactly try to hide it, but when I’m around her I take extra measures like changing the background photo on my phone to a random picture.

I don’t know what to do. I want to be honest but I don’t want to lose my mom because of her religion. Please help me. — Desperate to Come Out

DEAR DESPERATE: Your mother might already realize you’re gay and is making her own choice to basically ignore it. In this sense, you are both holding on to a version of you that is part fiction.

You should try to help your mother along — and you can start by not overtly lying to her.

Don’t deliberately hide aspects of yourself when you are with her. Keep a photo of you and your guy on your phone’s home screen, if that’s what is normally there.

Introduce your amazing boyfriend to her, but use neutral terminology for now.

If your mother is so religious that she cannot accept you being gay, then you should be able to at least count on her “forgiving” you for your transgression against humanity.

I realize that being forgiven for a crime you haven’t committed is several steps below authentic acceptance, but this may be the best she can do, in which case your job will be to forgive her for her frailties and failings. Ultimately, if she can’t accept you, it is not her religion’s responsibility — it is hers.

DEAR AMY: I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year and a half. We have a great relationship. He has joint custody of his child and we get along wonderfully, too.

He has his own place, and I live with a roommate.

I want to move in together and he doesn’t. He says that because of the horrible end to his marriage (over eight years ago) he vowed to never again put himself in the position of living with someone and getting burned. He says he loves me very much and wants me in his life forever but cannot ever see us living together.

He is faithful, and I have no worry about other women.

I don’t want a part-time boyfriend for the rest of my life but he says he isn’t sure if it will change. He wants his space a few days a week and is happy the way things are.

What should I do? — Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your guy is happy the way things are, and many people would find this living situation ideal. Blending a full-time partner into a family that is clicking along on its own is challenging. Exposing himself and his child to a full-time relationship creates some vulnerability for both of them.

This is a “take it or leave it” proposition. I hope you will continue to enjoy this relationship for as long as you can. But realize that if you want a full-time partner, you will have to find him elsewhere.

DEAR AMY: Your advice to “Bad Son” was bad. He has one mother who raised him.

He must attend his mother (not wife) on Mother’s Day. He says “I don’t blame my wife for not wanting to include my mom.”

But why does he need her permission to do what is his responsibility?

She should be thinking about her mom. These young parents need to set a good example to the children by honoring the grandmother and then the mother. That way the children will do the same when they grow up and have their own family. — Man Fan

DEAR FAN: Very sage advice. Thank you.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@tribune.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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