Ask Amy: Workplace romance is too much, too fast

2014-05-06T00:00:00Z 2014-07-03T11:09:47Z Ask Amy: Workplace romance is too much, too fastBy Amy Dickinson Tribune Content Agency Arizona Daily Star

DEAR AMY: I met “Cindy” at my workplace about a month ago. I am in my 40s, and she is 36. She has three daughters who live with her; I have met them briefly. Her oldest is 18.

Her husband left, and she blames herself. She has had two serious relationships in the last 12 years.

I asked her what she wants in life. She says she is lonely and wants a guy she can marry. She wants to be happy forever.

We have slept together twice. We have lunch together Monday-Friday. We tell each other we love each other and want to have “our” worlds together.

I have been honest with her that I live with my ex-girlfriend. My ex and I have been broken up for a while and live as roommates.

I sent Cindy a text asking if I moved out of my house, could I come live with her and her girls? And she responded that it would be awesome.

I show her that I am not like the other guys she has had in the past. She says she wants to try to have a future with me. I call and text her all the time, but over the weekends she doesn’t answer. She likes to go out with her friends alone (she drives them, or so she says).

Now I do not know what to do. I am confused, hurt, frustrated and lonely without her.

I know I love her and want a future with her. I tell her I just want love, honesty, respect and communication. Can she just not commit, or is she scared? What do I do now? — Lonely and Confused

DEAR LONELY: Stand down, Romeo. You are coming on very strong, very quickly.

You have no business asking someone you have known for a month if you can move in with her and her daughters. No good mom would even consider this, and even though she told you this would be “awesome,” your aggression might be freaking her out. Because you work together, this whole relationship has the potential to damage both of you professionally as well as personally, unless you slow down.

If you are seriously interested in communication, you will have to figure out how to translate your intense interest into listening (and reading other nonverbal cues) rather than talking.

DEAR AMY: My father passed away, and it was his wish not to have an obituary published. Nor did he want any type of funeral service.

He was cremated, and we have his ashes, yet our family feels a lack of closure without some type of memorial.

I have thought about hosting a “life celebration” or “remembrance gathering” that would allow us to meet with immediate and extended family and friends, but are we going against his wishes? — Perplexed

DEAR PERPLEXED: Unless your father was extremely specific that he didn’t want his name mentioned at any kind of gathering after his death, at this point you and your family should tell yourselves that you have honored his wishes to the best of your ability.

A memorial gathering is different from a funeral service. You should do whatever you need to do in order to remember, reclaim and start to move forward from this loss.

I suggest organizing a gathering (preferably with food and drink involved) and asking everyone to bring photos and stories to share.

DEAR AMY: “Happy but Worried” was a grandmother who had two daughters: one infertile and the other newly pregnant.

I am the youngest of four sisters. I had to do IVF to get pregnant. I had a daughter.

Then my sister found out she had no more eggs (at 31), so I donated eggs for her and her husband. They had a beautiful daughter.

After that I had many miscarriages, and the sister I gave the egg to offered to carry a pregnancy for me.

My sister gave birth to my twin girls, who will be 17 in July.

Sisters are the best! We were blessed to have what each other needed.

Maybe this sister would be open to being a surrogate. — Thankful Sister

DEAR THANKFUL: Great idea.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@tribune.com

Follow her on Twitter @askingamy or “like” her on Facebook. Amy Dickinson’s memoir, “The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them” (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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