The Minivan Momologues

Trick or teeth

2013-10-27T00:00:00Z 2014-07-03T11:44:50Z Trick or teeth Arizona Daily Star
October 27, 2013 12:00 am  • 

Bring it, Halloween.

I am so ready for you this year.

Other years, I’ve been totally stumped for a costume, which is how, one time, I ended up in a top hat, beard and black dress as Babebraham Lincoln when everyone else in the family had a legit All-American outfit (Uncle Sam, Statue of Liberty, Captain America, Betsy Ross).

But this year, I shall be — wait a sec, let me put in an ellipsis for dramatic effect ... the Tooth Fairy.

It’s been a lifetime in the making.

See, I’ve always had a thing for teeth. I was the weirdo who loved going to the dentist, who delighted in hearing that there was barely any plaque and that I didn’t have a single cavity and, oh, what pretty teeth. Hygienists fought over me.

When I wore braces, I stuck a timer in the bathroom so I could brush my teeth for exactly 10 minutes. My parents actually begged me to ease up, convinced I was going to scrub the enamel right off ’em.

And now I’m The Extractor.

No. 3 started bragging to his classmates about how I yanked out loose teeth — and he got $5 for each one. What can I say? This fairy’s a sucker. Plus, I’ve still never gotten over the sting of having 12 teeth pulled over two dental visits and getting just milkshakes as a prize. C’mon, a molar lode like that should’ve paid for my first car.

As word spread, I ended up pulling out every wiggler in No. 3’s kindergarten and first-grade class. My husband was sure we were going to be sued. Actually, I got thanked. A lot. A surprising number of grown-ups are skeeved out by bloody, loose teeth.

So in four days, I’m going to strap on wings, slip on a pink tiara — with a plastic tooth in the center — and Velcro on my homemade utility belt, lined with the past year’s toothbrushes and a clear, plastic container-turned-buckle filled with teeth. Real ones, some of them even silver-capped. Sadly, my perfect, dental genes are not the dominant ones in the family. No. 3 has had a looooot of work done, just like his pops.

Side note: No. 3 wanted to bypass the Tooth Fairy altogether and take those silver teeth to Good Ole Tom’s, thinking he’d score more cash.

But back to the topic at hand, yes, I have my kids’ baby chompers and even a, um, puppy fang from a beloved dog. That’s not Hannibal Lecter-y, is it? It just didn’t seem right to throw them out.

So this Halloween, if any little trick-or-treaters bite into a caramel and happen to loosen up a tooth, you know who to call.

Contact Kristen Cook at or 573-4194. Cook’s punny homemade costume idea that not a single kid was willing to touch — Duct Tape Dynasty. A beard made out of tape? Hilarious.

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