Advice from Carolyn Hax

2013-06-09T00:00:00Z Advice from Carolyn HaxCarolyn Hax Washington Post Writers Group Arizona Daily Star

Hi, Carolyn:

My youngest sister is getting married in a few weeks. She's the only child from my dad's second marriage and the age difference between us is nearly two decades.

I have two daughters, ages 15 and 8, who have been very excited for this wedding since my sister got engaged last winter. They ask me constantly if they'll be in the wedding. Now, with two weeks to go until the wedding date and absolutely no contact from my sister, it's pretty clear they won't.

I just found out my two nieces, of similar ages to my girls, will have roles in the wedding party. My nieces live in the same town as my sister while we live out of state, so I've always known she's closer to them .

I'm trying to decide two things: if (and how) to bring this inequity up to my sister, and how to break this news to my daughters in one of those "life lessons" ways.

My protective Mama Bear tends to come out in these moments, and while I want to teach them to take the high road (attend the wedding, smile, no tantrums or passive-aggressive comments), I don't want them to think they have to completely hide their feelings and make my sister think they're OK with what's happened when they're not. - J.

Mama Bear is a Drama Bear.

I know how painful it is to be excluded. I know a parent can often struggle with a child's (projected) pain more than the child does. I know family has a unique power to mess with one's head, arguably rivaled only by wedding hierarchies.

But, really. As primary shaper of your children's emotional center, you have a responsibility to keep things in perspective - and had one all along. When they asked "constantly," you could have repeated doggedly: "Brides can't say yes to everyone they love."

Now you need only this for your girls - "I'm sorry, I let you get your hopes up" - followed by this: "No bride can include everyone she loves, so don't take this as a sign she doesn't care. It'll ruin our good time only if we let it."

To your sister, you either say, "Hey, is there anything my girls can do for you? They'd be thrilled to help you somehow," or you say nothing.

Your daughters need to see you demonstrate that love is bigger than who gets to be a flower girl.

Hi, Carolyn:

An ex-girlfriend recently contacted me out of the blue. I've been married for 21-plus years. She says she has some apologies to make to me, but, to be honest, I was not exactly blameless in our breakup either, and I'm not certain she really has anything I would find it necessary to apologize to me for. Can you offer any advice?

- Blast From the Past

Dive right in, because out-of-the-blue missives to long-married ex-loves never wreak any havoc.

Either you've spent 21-plus years in aspic, or you're aware that rekindled flames account for their own little growth industry amid advances in communications technology. You also probably know that if you felt no flicker of anything when she contacted you, then you probably already would have either responded to her innocently or ignored her without a whole lot of thought. Right?

My advice is either to accept the apology and end the communication there, or, if you're not certain you can do that, not to respond at all.

Email Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at facebook.com/carolyn.hax

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