Ask Amy: Mom wants others to include son

2014-08-16T00:00:00Z Ask Amy: Mom wants others to include sonBy Amy Dickinson Tribune Content Agency Arizona Daily Star
August 16, 2014 12:00 am  • 

DEAR AMY: My son is in fourth grade. He is involved in a sport each season. Due to the size of the school, he is on teams with the same group of boys over and over.

Many of the parents of these boys have become friends and socialize together. My husband and I are not part of their social group. We are older and we both work full-time jobs in law enforcement, while many in this group are stay-at-home moms.

Consequently, while all the parents are socializing, so are the boys, with the exception of my son. He considers these boys his best friends, yet is never included in their socialization, although they include him for birthday parties. He has other play dates with boys not in this group. Whenever this group sees my son, they are always excited and immediately include him, but we never get the phone call to have him meet them at a function; it’s just coincidence if we run into them.

My son has not noticed this or expressed any concern, but it feels like a knife going through my heart when I hear about all the boys getting together when he has not been included.

My husband says to relax, that in a few years the boys will make their own plans and socialize on their own. Of course, I frequently try to arrange play dates, but due to our hectic schedule (we are police officers and our schedules frequently change) we are last-minute planners.

So should I just let things sort themselves out? Should I try to arrange more play dates with kids whom my son thinks are his besties? — Upset

DEAR UPSET: The first thing you need to do is to simmer down. In your life as a parent, you will face many challenges, and if you really think this is a “knife through the heart,” then you seriously need to refocus and pace yourself and not project your own issues onto your child.

Nothing that is happening here is deliberate. At this age, socialization is all about opportunity. Fourth-graders pretty much go where they’re taken and strike up friendships along the way.

If you want the phone to ring more often, then you have to pick it up and make some calls yourself.

This gang of kids sounds nice, fun and as if they like your son. So work the sidelines a little bit and get to know some of these parents. Invite some boys to go with you to the neighborhood pool or the local carnival if you get a chance this summer. But most of all, do not create or inflate problems before they exist.

DEAR AMY: My daughter is single, and she is upset at her brother and his wife for not informing her of their decision in making my daughter-in-law’s brother and his wife the legal guardians of their two young children should something happen to them.

My daughter agreed with my son’s decision; however, she said that according to protocol my son should have informed her first.

What do you say? — Caught in Between

DEAR CAUGHT: I’m no expert in the protocol concerning the legal guardian line of succession, but logic tells me that the first people informed of this decision should be the prospective guardians themselves, not the runner-up or any other family member.

That way, if the prospective guardians decline (and some people do decline), the parents can privately work their way through other candidates without involving other people in what is, after all, an intimate and important parental decision.

Fortunately, your daughter agrees with their ultimate choice, so she will not be tempted to launch a coup.

DEAR AMY: “Tired Daughter” described life with her manipulative, mood-swinging mother.

Boy, that sure sounded familiar. I lived with this heartache until as an adult I forced my mother to seek professional help. (I refused to see her unless she saw a psychiatrist.)

She was diagnosed bipolar and has been treated successfully. We now have a good relationship. — Triumphant

DEAR TRIUMPHANT: I love hearing stories like this. Well done.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@tribune.com

Follow her on Twitter @askingamy or like her on Facebook. Amy Dickinson’s memoir, “The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them” (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.

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