Stupid Mother's Day. The older I get, the crankier I get about the - let's put it in quotes, shall we? - "holiday."
Mother's Day is basically an excuse to ignore what we hardworking moms do on a daily basis in favor of celebrating our incredible selflessness for one single, solitary, way-too-short day.
Don't get me wrong; I'm still happy to get gifts and a meal out, even if it's the Costco food court (swear-to-God truth - Mother's Day '09. My husband is not a planner.). But I don't want Mother's Day. Screw it.
I want a rider.
You know - a rider, that list of demands that whoop-de-doo celebs compile. Kanye West reportedly requires his chauffeurs to wear only 100-percent cotton clothes, no manmade fibers allowed. Beyonce needs special alkaline water, $900 titanium straws and handcarved ice balls to cool her throat post-show. My fave: When Mariah Carey was in London a few years back, she allegedly asked for 20 white kittens and 100 doves.
Scuttlebutt is that celebrities bury these crazy demands among more reasonable ones to see whether or not anyone really reads the rider the whole way through. Riiiiiight. I totally believe Carey asked for the critters.
So anyway, here's my plan: How about, as soon as every woman becomes a mom, she crafts her own rider that must be observed EVERY day … or else she won't come out of her dressing room and deal with her overly demanding public.
• No dirty socks on the kitchen counter.
• No one bothers me while I'm in the bathroom.
• No complaints about a homemade dinner - that I make. If it happens to be your dad's cooking (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha), fine.
• "Mom" is to be uttered once and only once when the utterer is within 2 feet of me. Unacceptable: "Mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom-mom" at the same decibel level as a jackhammer shouted directly in my ear.
• Similarly, no yelling at me from across the house.
• Junk left around will be put away the first, second or third time I ask.
• To sleep in until 8 a.m. on weekends. (Ha! That one was the insane demand. Were you really reading? Everyone knows that unless you have a houseful of teenagers, you're not making it past 6:45 a.m. on a Saturday. Or Sunday.)
• An hour, maybe even an hour and a half, all to myself on the weekends.
• No. 3 will never, ever again use a Porta-Potty to go No. 2.
• A hug every day.
• Clothes that have been worn for less than 30 seconds are not automatically tossed into the hamper.
• Gracious offers to set the table on a nightly basis.
• No fighting in the minivan, and that includes throwing stuff.
Sounds easy enough, right? Riiiiiight. Any mom'll tell you that my rider is as wacky as asking for 20 white kittens and 100 doves.
Contact Kristen Cook at firstname.lastname@example.org or 573-4194. Though she thinks Mother's Day is lame, Cook is extremely grateful and thankful for her own mother, who made juggling work and family life look waaaay easier than it really is.