Fitz: Ally

2014-03-10T13:00:00Z Fitz: AllyDavid Fitzsimmons The Arizona Daily Star​ Arizona Daily Star

Memo from County Supervisor Ally Miller:

 As you know, the “Tucson Weekly’s” Nim Jintzel and  “The Red Star’s” Timbo Stiller have been smearing me with lies and unsubstantiated half-truths and quarter pounders slathered with baloney. I would expect nothing less from the lame stream media. “The Weekly” is just a doper-porn rag and any publication that would publish Fitzsimmon’s Communist  grafitti propaganda has to be on George Soros’ payroll.

As you, the residents of my district must have heard, my detractors have called me Ev Mecham in heels, a Ted Cruz with lipstick,  and worse, Tea Party Girl. Some Blame America First-er mistook me for a cross-dressing Al Melvin. I don’t listen to them. I only listen to you, The People who agree with me, and Fox News, Rush, the Koch Brothers and Sarah Palin on the short wave radio in my lead lined bunker, which I paid for with my own money, thank you. More on that later.

Why have I been persecuted? Is it because I love America? Is it because I know the truth? Is it because I have evidence of rampant corruption, bribery and threats in Pima County? Bingo!

Yes sir, I know the truth and all the proof you need is right here, between my ears.

As you know, I’m looking out for you by watching them, while they’re watching me, and as my friends and supporters know, in this war in Pima County it’s Us versus Them and, more than that, my friends , I say it’s Ally Miller versus everyone and I’m fine with that as long as any of Them doesn’t try to get on the elevator at the county building with me. (So many of my enemies are disguising themselves “constituents” I have to be careful who I talk to.) Crazy people are scary aren’t they?

If any of the residents of my district are jet pack engineers please call me. I was thinking of jet packing onto the roof (Thanks for the idea Frank Antenori-even if you are a Republican in name only) in the middle of the night and rappelling off the side of the building and swinging down into my office through the window like Tom Cruise or Ted Cruz, I often confuse the two, but then I remembered all the other Supervisors (They’re all against me on the 7th floor. Even the custodian.) have radar installed in their offices, under their desks, next to their money laundering chutes and their secret decoder rings and their copies of Das Kapital and it wouldn’t surprise me if Sharon Bronson has a stinger missile launcher, which I’m sure she bought with your hard-earned taxpayer dollars (Way to overlook that , Huckelberry!), and the next thing you know good old Ally Miller would magically disappear like a Malaysian airliner and the truth is I would have been swallowed up in Huckelberry’s Bermuda Triangle where thousands of of tax dollars and people who dare to cross the Huckster all end up, floating around like they’re in the after-life from that movie “Beetlejuice”. Scary to think about isn’t it?

Note to supporters: I will be discussing Supervisor Bronson’s Stinger Missile launcher on the Jon Justice Show, after I finish with Wakeup Tucson, which is after my appearance on Get out of Bed Sleepy Headed Patriots on the Radio Free Palin Network---where I will be talking about everything I know about the FBI. Just because the FBI report on Rio Nuevo came up with zip can only mean one thing, patriots! The FBI is in on the conspiracy to protect the corrupt powers that run this city and this county and I’m on the case. Right after I tie the conditions of the roads in my district to a County Transportation employee who was placed in Hangar 51 in suspended animation because he was going to the authorities.

The conspiracy is huge. They’re all in on it.  The lame stream TV media, The Red Star, the Weekly, the Pima County Sheriff's Department, the clerk at Finkleman’s who double-scanned my mangos,  and a certain 9-1-1 dispatcher who didn’t hit the DefCon 3 alert button when I told him my address had been made public. What’s next? Are they going to tell everyone where our  Board Meetings are held?

It’s time to take action! I have a list and here it is, if you’re listening, Attorney General Eric Holder, and State Attorney General Tommy Horne! The members of the conspiracy to foment a coups against Ally Miller are many but here are the ringleaders: County Board Chairwoman Sharon “The Witch” Bronson, County Supervisor Ray “Benedict Arnold” Carroll, County Commissar Chuck “Josef Stalin” Huckelberry, County Supervisor Richard “Che Guevara” Elias,  County Supervisor Ramón “Don’t look at me” Valadez, the creepy quiet guy on the elevator in the County Building who tried to talk to me about an “issue” and scared the Bejeezus out of me,  and every last spineless republican-in-name-only-Republican in Pima County who won’t acknowledge me in public anymore. I know who you are.

Because the lame stream media saw fit to publish my address people know where I live! (I guess the “Don’t tread on me” flag, the colonial cannon on my roof and the likeness of Obama’s head on a pike wasn’t enough of a clue.) Anyway, since that attempt to destroy me, I’ve moved to a bunker under Biosphere 2 that’s equipped with a printing press, a lovely computer, walkie talkies and an affordable blow drier that has 3-speeds. I live in a completely sealed self-enclosed environment which I decorated myself with a fern, a black velvet painting of Ted Cruz, a bust of Ayn rand, a glue gun, earring studs and some throw rugs, at no expense to you, the taxpayer. Nothing gets in my little bubble and that’s the way I like it. Well no one except for Mister Rush, Fair and Balanced Fox and my boy, Jon Justice. They’re such good company when I’m making Tea Bag earrings to sell at our next Tea Party convention.

As a result of my efforts to stay safe I’m constantly changing cell phones like Carlos the Jackal so I can’t be found by my stalkers, reporters from the outside world and my evil persecuters. So if you live in my district feel free to call me. Go right ahead. The best place to reach me is on local talk radio (They have the best screeners!) where I’m telling the truth with my fellow tea party patriots. Note to callers: If you cross me you are dead to me. I stand with the Tea Party. The Party of no compromise. And that’s why my office is bugged. I can just feel it. It gives me the creeps. For all I know County Commissar Huckelberry has drones flying out of Marana Air Park monitoring my every move. I am buying a tin helmet. And charging it to the county. God bless America.

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

About this blog

David Fitzsimmons is the Star's editorial cartoonist.

To reach Fitz call 520-573-4234 (office) or email him at tooner@tucson.com.

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