America's children listen up. Your Halloween is nothing but a humbug! A poor excuse for picking a man's pockets of quarters and sticky lint-coated gumballs once a year. Are there no candy stores to shop at? No gumball machines to bust open? I've had it with your cheap hobo and bed sheet costumes. This year for Halloween I’m handing out gluten-free low-carb protein bars, rocks, advice, broccoli snaps and a map to the house where Hansel and Gretel were last seen.

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