I want to see Eqypt explode --just to eclipse the 24/7 coverage of the Zimmerman trial for one nanosecond. I still want to see the jury verdict being read. I hope they scream the verdict at the top of their lungs into a cell phone Zimmerman is holding.

A day like this ought to be charged with murder in the One hundred and eleventh degree.

Putin says Snowden can stay in Russia if he helps him rekindle the fun times he had in his KGB state police days. How can he afford to eat in an airport? Doesn’t three meals a day clean out your wallet pretty fast at Air Applebee’s? He'll make up his mind when he's down to Sim Jims.

60 billion alien planets could support life, a study suggests. 40 billion would support life only long enough for life to get back on his feet, and then you're on your own. Only 327 support a brother-in-law.

Johnny Depp’s portrayal of Tonto? Tone deaf. Human aviary with criss-crossing tire tread marks on his face. Depp's head looks like Norman Bate’s trophy room. Note: Depp is the paste tense of deep.

I want to see fireworks when we balance our checkbook. Before they were the Founding Fathers they were the "Sorry. Can’t find it--still looking" Dads. When they first started singing together in Massachusetts they were the "Lost It Boys" opening for "The Liberty Belles".

The Tucson City Council turned down Edward Snowden's asylum request. He refused to agree to be exhibited at a yet unnamed Rio Nuveo museum in a glass case next to the gift shop. The whistleblower made a personal plea for a job at the La Encantada Apple Store.

Fire Season. Please be careful. Don’t set off fireworks of any kind. Have a great time flicking your flashlights off and on and shouting the word “Boom” over and over.

Does the NRA have a position on fireworks? My right to carry a Roman Candle in my holster shall not be infringed. Don’t make me light this. I warned you. Smokey the Bear is trying to take away my rights!!

Is Hillary Clinton too old to be President? There’s a pill for that. Feeling too old to be President? Well worry no more and free yourself from wrinkles, crows feet and sagging eyelids with our amazing revitalizing irradiated skin cream. Endorsed by middle-aged Hollywood actress. Recommended by Meryl Streep and Judi Dench. We're here to help you lie about your appearance because you’re insecure in a shallow world that you desperately want to impress.