Fitz Blog: I spy

2013-06-11T11:00:00Z 2013-06-11T11:43:37Z Fitz Blog: I spyDavid Fitzsimmons The Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

     For me the NSA leaker story is not a story about privacy rights or the war on terror. It’s a much bigger story. It’s the story of how remarkably far-reaching our amazing economic recovery has been. High school dropouts are now earning $200,000 a year and vacationing in 5-star hotels in Hong Kong? I learned yesterday that he was actually only being paid $122,000 a year but I will never let a fact stand in the way of a good rant. Still that’s enough money to get that mole on his neck fixed and with change left over for a latte. To think he gave that up for his country.

     Edward Snowden looks like the kid behind the counter at Starbucks. The one who wants to know what I’m writing about on my lap top. I side with national security on this one. Not only did he give up classified information but he leaked the script for the “Breaking Bad” finale. That is unforgivable. He put the well-being of millions of Americans at risk.

     For those of you who aren’t following this story closely because you aren’t terrorists looking for a break Snowden’s story will be told in a film called “Revenge of the Nerds 3”where he’ll be portrayed by Justin Bieber. That is just the beginning of the miserable life the little weasel will face.  I heard he applied for asylum in World of Warcraft.

     Apparently the National Security Agency knows when we’re online, they know when we’re sleeping, they know when we’re awake and that’s why I’m going to be good for goodness sake. If the NSA can help me find my wallet and eyeglasses whenever I need to leave the house I’ll forgive them. And so will most of us according to polls. Are they on the bureau or did I leave them on the kitchen counter? Thanks for heads up, NSA. All is forgiven. Hey SIRI and GPS girl do you know my friend NSA? I can’t find my car keys.

     When asked about this issue 79% of American respondents believe NSA stands for National States of America. How stupid can people be. Everybody knows NSA stands for National Something or Other. Of those polled 13% were on FB posting pictures of their cats yawning and the remaining 8% were on the phone with al-Kaida. They promised they’d call right back,”if everything went according to plan.”

     Americans could care less about privacy. Except for Cleveland bus drivers with sex dungeons. They’re touchy about busybodies. And the tinfoil hat crowd. Apparently tinfoil is is insufficient protection. The aluminum helmet crowd keeps rattling on about something called the Constitution. It’s the document the NSA promises to read when it finishes reading a year’s worth of Verizon phone records. And I’ll get around to Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” just as soon as I finish reading the Dead Sea Scrolls. We promise. Don’t you have cat videos to watch?

     Nothing is private anymore. Thank you, Anthony Wiener, Bill Clinton and Mother Theresa. Oh, you didn’t know about Mother Theresa? Google it. You don’t trust the internet? I do. Why not? I trust our government. It’s that guy from Nigeria who wants me to wire him money for a smart timely investment who I don’t trust. Is the NSA on to him? And one more thing, what doesn’t the world know about Anthony Wiener?

     Actually I trust the government as much as I trust Adam Sandler when he says his next movie will be intelligent and funny. Anytime a government official says,” we’re making every effort to be more transparent’” I hope you can see right through their little ruse. Well, actually you won’t be able to see through it because the government is opaque thanks to POTTER, a lesser known CIA subcontractor who has developed an invisibility cloak. Thanks, geek millenials.

     I’m curious about Snowden, the whistle he blew, and his good fortune to land a fat paycheck minding other people’s business. Snowden worked for a cyber security subcontractor called Booz Allen for 3-months. Booz? That’s a name? Is this the company that used to go by the name Hootch Budweiser or Shot Glass Tron? Snowden didn’t graduate from high school. He dropped out because his conscience wouldn’t let him do homework. He called it an existential threat to every American’s right to party.

     The government surveillance program Booz Allen was executing is called PRISM which sounds suspiciously like the name of a new XBox 360 game my teenager will be begging for this summer. I ordered it on Amazon and now I‘m on a no-fly list. The analyst who came up with PRISM spent too many years staring at a Pink Floyd album cover.

     I thought I was wasting my life on FB. Think how the poor saps who pour over our phone data must feel. I’m overworked just listening to the voices in my head. Wading through the details of this story I wonder just one thing. I have just one question. Just one answer is all I’m looking for here. Can Obama speak directly to Verizon or is he put on hold like the rest of us?

     NSA, was that joke okay? Let me know ASAP. I have to go outside and pose for the satellite. Should I go with the shorts or long pants? I’ll be waiting to chat online with my NSA representative.

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

About this blog

David Fitzsimmons is the Star's editorial cartoonist.

To reach Fitz call 520-573-4234 (office) or email him at tooner@tucson.com.

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