GIT ALONG LITTLE SHOPPING CART, ROUNDUP IN THE WORKS
The city-wide problem of abandoned shopping carts has gotten out of hand and Tucson is doing something about it. The City Council has asked the Tucson Rodeo Committee to create a competitive shopping cart round-up event for cowboys and wranglers called “The Fiesta do los Grocery Carts Parade”, with funding set aside for rewards and prizes. “It’ll be like the Dodge City cattle drive--only bigger. And noisier. The Fiesta do los Grocery Carts parade is scheduled to roll through downtown February 24th.”
CREDIT CARD THIEF ON THE RUN, HOLES UP IN D.C.
Pima County sheriff’s investigators are looking for a man who spent close to $1 trillion with a credit card stolen on November 5th. In less than an hour, the thief had already made his first purchase at the Defense Department where he purchased a $1million hat rack custom-designed to survive a nuclear attack. Ten hours and $20 billion in purchases later, the spree ended with dinner at the Senate cafeteria in Washington, D.C.. Suspect was last seen heading to the Congressional Office of Management and Budget. The man is about 6 feet tall, weighs 220 pounds and goes by the name,”Uncle Sam”. He has white hair, a white goatee and is wearing red and white striped pants, a blue tuxedo with tails and a stovepipe hat with stars and stripes on it. Anyone with information can call 911, 88-CRIME or Det. Laura Gil at 351-6634.
ARIZONA MOVES TO IDAHO
A group of survivalists wants to build a giant walled fortress complete with moats and barbed wire in the woods of Idaho, a medieval-style city where residents would be required to wear bolo ties, own weapons and stand ready to defend the compound when society collapses. The proposal is called “The Arizona Legislature” and has created a buzz among folks in this remote logging town who have never seen, in one resident’s words,”so many gun-toting nimrods with beer guts before.” Locals have many questions, but organizers so far are pointing only to a website billing the Arizona Legislature as "A Community of Libberty." The mayor of St.Marie noted,”they can’t spell either.”
TROUBLE FOR NEW STUDENT MINI-DORM-CASINO-PETTING-ZOO
The developers of a new student mega-dorm-casino-brothel and petting zoo in the West University neighborhood have upset their neighbors. A spokesperson for the Bluto Blutarsky Student Housing Development Corporation, Otter Belchmore, said residents of the West University neighborhood are “buzzkills.” Neighborhood activist, and Professor of Tesh Music Studies, Fern Tush said,”We thought we had an agreement.” What her neighborhood association had asked for was:
- a noise wall
- speed humps
- modified exits
- limits on pool parties.
Belchmore said what they will get is:
- flying mannikins
- vomit landscaping
- beer bottle hurling competitions
- Roman bacchanal reenactments
- free serenading after midnight
- open BYOB invitation to all keggers
TUSD ADDRESSES BUDGET, FORGETS TO MAIL LETTER
In order to close a $17 million budget gap TUSD will increase class sizes and the teachers who aren’t being laid off will receive state of the art bullhorns, taser training and mood enhancing drugs.. The board voted 4-1 to approve the measure with one dissenting member voting for cattle prod funding.