Councilman Steve Kozachik announced he is leaving the Republican Party which he claims has become a narrow party of extremists. Numerous attempts to reach a Pima County Republican Party spokesperson went unanswered because the bunker door was sealed tight and a voice inside kept shouting,”Go away! We know you are with the United Nations!”

According the recent census the party of Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt now consists of Bruce Ash, two radio talk show hosts with basement ratings who are being treated for rabies( Get well soon!),one lonely border militiaman named "Dittohead Dan", Pima County’s oldest living veteran of the Confederacy, Stew Simmerpantz, a blind Saddlebrooke retiree named Red Dawn Neckerson who believes Governor Jan Brewer is a misunderstood idiot savant whose coming was foretold in prophecy, Frank ”Follow me over the cliff” Antenori, and a fiery fundamentalist who blames Arizona’s problems on public education, condoms, Hispanic gay Muslims and the proliferation of hand puppets made in China.

In a related story, the International Wildlife Museum is pleased to unveil its newest addition to its endangered species exhibit, the moderate republican, a creature often seen in this region in the last century.