This past week we found ourselves attacked by an object from outer space. Central Russia was the victim of an unprovoked assault by an unknown assailant with a 10-ton meteor. We ask that this aggression be met with an equal response to demonstrate we , the people of earth, led by, we, the United States of America, will not be cowed.
Those who argue the meteor incident was a cosmic inevitability are the usual gang of appeasers and isolationists who lack the backbone to stand up to intergalactic tyranny. We have reason to believe that more weapons of mass destruction are out there. Some foolishly argue it was an “Act of God” when the truth is more troubling. Many of our colleagues in the C.I.A. suspect Al Qaeda involvement, with possible links to North Korea. And it goes deeper.
We, the neo-conservatives of America, led by our intellectual patron, former Vice-President Dick Cheney, and including the honorable Senator John McCain believe the only logical suspect behind this attack on our global homeland is the usual suspect: Allah. In our self-defense it is clear we must form a coalition with Russia, England, Canada, Belize and Portugal to launch a preemptive strike against Iran and its puppet state Syria. We have high-resolution satellite images of catapults and rock-like objects observed within the borders of both nations. We have recordings of Mullahs praying for Allah to strike ,”the infidels from heaven”. It is clear our conflict has escalated beyond simple rock throwing outside of our embassies to meteor flinging. We ask the Pentagon to initiate planning for an invasion and devote a second or two to contemplating a full-scale occupation of Iran and Syria. Hunker down, keep your eyes on the skies and join us in Wyoming while the armies of the west are welcomed as liberators.