Fitz Blog: Oscars

2013-02-25T08:00:00Z 2013-02-25T12:50:29Z Fitz Blog: OscarsDavid Fitzsimmons The Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star
February 25, 2013 8:00 am  • 

We attended the Oscars at the Fox. It was so much fun even though my favorite local contender didn’t make it into the race. I thought Alan Kath’s performance as Hitchcock was awesome and definitely deserved Best Actor.

I loved “Life of Pi” and thought it was a great film. Did you know the tiger was not real? The tiger was digitalized. You’d be cranky too if you’d been digitalized. My grandfather got digitalized last week and I'm happy to report his prostate is fine.

And to think critics are all over Seth MacFarlane for being immature.

I leaned over to my wife and said I thought the gold Oscars were beautiful. My wife agreed:

-They're gorgeous little men. Last time I saw that much gold floating around it was in one of those creepy Good Ole Tom ads on TV.

-I read in Entertainment Weekly that Strother Martin didn’t die. He moved to Tucson and opened a pawn shop.

-If you squint the Oscars look like little naked Guy Atchleys.

-No they don’t. The head’ isn’t tiny enough.

-That’s not fair. You have a head the size of a Mardi Gras float.

People shushed us.

My wife loved “Lincoln”. Lucky gal, saw it in Europe.

-You saw the international version?

-Uh-huh. The Lincoln Continental.

-It was about slavery and preserving the union.

-Is Arizona in the Union?

-Are you a legislator?

Daniel Day-Lewis was amazing in Lincoln. His mother, Doris Day and his father Jerry Lewis must be so proud of his performance.

Fun fact: If John McCain had been 3-years older he could’ve voted for Lincoln.

Fun fact: The beasts in “Beasts of the southern Wild” were non-union javelina.

Denzel Washington was incredible in “Flight”. I looked at the plane flying upside down and I thought--Whoa, when did Governor Brewer get a pilot’s license? My wife corrected me:

-Denzel actually flew that jet himself.

-Where?

-Right over the people living under the Davis-Monthan flight plan.

-Bet they didn’t like that.

-Sound of freedom.

She didn’t care for Seth MacFarlane. I disagreed:

-Seth MacFarlane is a great host.

-Right. And “Django” was a history channel documentary. Seth is what Sean Miller would look like if he took care of himself. I remember when Bob Hope used to host the Oscars.

-You also remember driving up to “A” Mountain with Geronimo.

Thank goodness we wear at home by then. At that point I had to microwave my own popcorn.

I was pleased to learn Arizona is still managing to get film studios to come here. I hope you all saw “Amour”, the love story about a couple filmed entirely in Saddlebrooke. Heartbreaking. Emmanuelle Riva’s character suffers a stroke at the same time her husband was two strokes ahead at Dove Mountain. How could he go on?

Did you like “Zero Dark Thirty”? I thought the torture scenes were a little rough. Making the terrorists go on a Carnival Cruise seemed cruel and unusual to me. But. At least they were spared “les Miserables”, a musical tribute to palates, tongues, tonsils and yodeling. I was impressed when Ann Hathaway took a courageous stand against prostitution. Hollywood without whores? The place would be a ghost town.

The Academy had more award categories than Tucson has potholes. By the time it was finished I was thinking I could take the streetcar to work.

My wife and I quibbled over James Bond, whom she adores..

-I loved “Skyfall”.

-Was that about a meteorite falling to earth and hitting a small town in Russia?

-No. It was about Daniel Craig’s dreamy eyes and amazing body.

-When did a meteorite hit you in the back of the head?

-You’re just jealous. Did you know all of the Bond girls are now Sisters at the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration on Country Club Road?

-I did not know that. My favorite Bond girl is that incredible stuntwoman.

-Halle Berry? Jane Seymour?

-Queen Elizabeth the second. Did you see her parachute into the Olympics?

-What happened to Queen Elizabeth the first?

-Parachute didn’t open. It was like a Tarrentino moment.

She knows me like the back of her hand, which was raiding my popcorn:

-I know what you’re waiting for--

-A wardrobe malfunction?

-No.

-To see what comes out of chute number 3?

-No.

-To see if Tommy Lee Jones will smile?

-No! Best Picture!

-I’ve got the best picture!

- Argo? Beasts? Lincoln-?

I held up my i-phone

-Our grand daughter. Isn’t she cute?

-Argh.

She was so close.

Fun fact: The Avengers was shot entirely at Old Tucson. The special effects were amazing weren’t they?

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About this blog

David Fitzsimmons is the Star's editorial cartoonist.

To reach Fitz call 520-573-4234 (office) or email him at tooner@tucson.com.

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