Fitz Blog: Pension system unsustainable, City to ask retirees to die

2013-04-23T09:15:00Z 2013-08-13T14:40:23Z Fitz Blog: Pension system unsustainable, City to ask retirees to dieDavid Fitzsimmons The Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

With Tucson police and fire pension costs expected to rise to $42 million, the City Council voted Tuesday to create a task force to look for ways cut the costs, including asking city retirees to die "As soon as possible."

City spokeswoman Jackie Kevorkian said, “The pension system is strained because there are more retired employees enjoying the benefits of the system than there are working employees contributing to the system. Do the math."

Here are some of the incentives the city is considering offering-- if you die today:

  • Free obituary paid for by the City
  • the City Transportation Department will  close down an entire street in your honor for weeks
  • Free burial/recycling courtesy of City of Tucson Environmental Services
  • Councilman Cunningham's aide Katie Bolger will direct the traffic at your funeral
  • Your loved ones will receive a bouquet made of festive orange road cones, courtesy of our City Transportation Department
  • Your lucky survivors will enjoy a lifetime of free garbage collection and a discount at our swimming pools and golf courses.
  • And as an added bonus, if you expire before this offer expires, or the system implodes, you’ll receive a custom written eulogy from Mayor Rothschild delivered by the Mayor himself.

Holding up "Free chip sealing" coupons City spokeswoman Kevorkian said," For the good of your city and for the good of our working public safety employees who are looking forward to a happy, but hopefully brief retirement, we are depending on you to do what you have always done. Put others first.”

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About this blog

David Fitzsimmons is the Star's editorial cartoonist.

To reach Fitz call 520-573-4234 (office) or email him at tooner@tucson.com.

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