Kate Middleton is dropping her calf and the world is on edge. It’s the closest the monarchy ever comes to actual labor.

Duchess asserts baby's cap is not a hoodie.

Mary Poppins arrived at the hospital by air this morning and refused to answer questions. Told celebrity watchers to," shove their bumbershoots up their bloody bums until chimney sweeps blow out their ears."

My headline: Government parasites suck on state welfare while living extravagant lifestyle, await birth of instant celebrity. Meanwhile back in Darfur the maternity huts are humming.