President Barack Obama's broad effort to reduce gun violence will include a proposed ban on military-style assault weapons,high-capacity clips, paranoia and bullying. The National Bullying Association has vowed to fight this response to the Newtown massacre declaring,”My right to bully shall not be infringed. Bullying is what made this nation what it is today!”

NBA lobbyists have been working the halls of congress in advance of any legislative showdown over gun violence. During the recent recess Congressmen have been seen cowering, wetting themselves and giving up their lunch money.