On Jan. 8th, 2011 some people were killed and a few were wounded in a parking lot in Tucson. Out of this tragedy we here at the NRA hope all Americans will come together to stare at memorials, light candles and then take positive steps away from the memorial action while shrugging their shoulders. You may not know this but shoulder shrugging is a beneficial and widespread form of exercise that is sweeping the nation. You should try it! For shoulder shrugging to be effective make sure your shoulder work out is vigorous!
The comes step two and this is key, because without a key you can't start your car and go home. And once you're home turn on your TV and watch Honey Boo Boo and forget about all of this depressing talk about guns!
This is the time for each of us to look within ourselves for the courage to stand tall and then sit back down. And where you sit will define you for generations. The NRA, for one, hopes you will find the courage to sit where we proudly sit, on our hands. Of course, you will have to sit on your own hands. If you try to sit on our hands we’ll have to wave an Uzzi in your face and, if you’re packing, lord knows what will come of that!
In light of this senseless tragedy the less sense we display in these times the better. Tomorrow is another day. Life goes on. Children will be born. People will marry. Folks minding their own business will be mowed down. Spring will come. Mops will mop. Birds will sing.The sun will come up again. Lighten up! Go shopping! And what is more fun than shopping for lethal weapons? See don't you feel better already?
A great man once said don’t just do something--- stand there, and we are that man, the National Rifle Association, a jolly gun-slinging man in a tailored suit armed with cash, glocks and a winning smile that says we're here for you, and by you, we mean firearms merchants.
Some of you hunger for answers to unanswerable questions such as what can be done about the epidemic of mass shootings? And more importantly, how much gun cleaning solvent have we been huffing? Hunger on, citizen. What we do know is this: The NRA Stands for 5 things: freedom, freedom, freedom, freedom and no rational answers. Rational answers are for gun haters and egghead intellectual types, and you, my friend, will never be confused with either group. So stand down, Quick Draw McGraw.
Better than silly answers we have power and money. We may not have a grip on reality but we do have a grip on something much more important in these trying times, our favorite semi-automatic weapon, your congressman. And our finger is on his trigger, an image we hope you won't try to imagine at this point but instead will simply read on. You don’t have to thank us, but rest assured that every time a playground or a mall or a theater or a kindergarten is sprayed with lead we are on Capitol Hill spraying the halls of power with cash, cash, cash, until your elected representatives are knee deep in our advocacy. Your neighborhoods may be littered with yellow crime scene tape but the best part of all of this is that you’ll never see crime scene tape around the Capitol dome! It's all perfectly legal! As Wayne La Pierre once wryly noted,”They’ll get our politicians when they pry them from our dead cold fingers. What am I saying? Our fingers are already chilly to the touch! I'm as cold-blooded as a freezer."
In this time of great sadness we want to suggest to you that this is a time to reflect on our way of life and express thanks for the blessings of liberty and kevlar. We don't know or care what God you worship but one thing is clear our God is locked and loaded. In memory of the dead we ask that you join us in prayer as we humbly ask that our most holy and scared firearms, which art in our holsters, hollow be thy bullets, grant us security, everlasting glory and power forever and ever. God bless America and keep your safety on. Amen.