According to a book about the actor Tom Cruise his given name is Thomas Mapother IV and Mr. Mapother IV believes he is on earth to do battle with the aliens that lurk within us. And what is even more remarkable is that Scientology has the root word “science” in it.

I think he's right. There's an alien inside all of us. It's an illegal alien. I’m okay with that.

How can I ever say,”Have you seen the latest Thomas Mapother IV movie?” with a straight face? Is his last name a Roman four" Is he the fourth Mapother in a long line of Mapothers?

Get on it, Oprah. I’ve lost interest in Lance. Unless he confesses his true name is Betelgeuse Jabberwocky and he and his inner alien battled over doping and Lance lost. Poor Lance.