Fitz Blog:Your elected geniuses

2013-02-07T11:45:00Z 2013-02-08T10:50:20Z Fitz Blog:Your elected geniusesDavid Fitzsimmons The Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star
February 07, 2013 11:45 am  • 

Let us review your Legislature’s noteworthy achievements so far:

PRACTICING THE LAW UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT

Arizona State Sen. Rick Murphy, R-Glendale, wants to allow people to practice law in Arizona without a law degree. Under his proposal anyone who can pass the bar could prepare legal briefs and argue civil and criminal cases in court. Murphy said, “ too much is made of law degrees. My psychiatrist never went to medical school and he says I am a Capricorn with a magical brain who can see the future. That’s why I hear voices.”

WEED WARNINGS

Arizona State Sen. Kimberly Yee, R-Phoenix, wants marijuana-laced food or candy products clearly labeled to prevent small children and Arizona lawmakers from accidentally ingesting the weed. “Imagine what would happen if your legislators were high on weed. We’d never have the willpower to work on real issues. We’d just be hanging out and constantly coming up with worthless hare-brained proposals.”

DOPE IN DORMS

Another measure banned medical marijuana use on college campuses. In the words of the sponsor ,”This bill was just for laughs. We were loaded when we came up with that one. Do you ever wonder if each atom in our fingernail has a universe inside of it?”

THEM SNEAKY INTELLIGENT DESIGNERS

The Arizona Legislature thinkers and stinkers are thinking of tinkering with the teaching of evolution, the origins of life, global warming and human cloning because they’ve acquired expertise from watching TV shows about these subjects on the Learning Channel like “Honey Boo Boo” and “Extreme Cheapskates”. Convinced lab coats are the devil’s cloak, a whopping 57% of our Maricopa hillbillies believe the Scopes Trial was about stargazers while another 32% are dang sure it was about mouthwash.

God told them to “get on it” and that’s what old white men do when checkers loses its allure and whittlin’ gets borin’. Inspired by the Islamic Madrasas, exciting models for how to do education right, they’ve decided making volcanoes with baking soda and vinegar is enough science, thank you, Professor Egghead.

Arizona jes’ ain’t quite world-renowned for bold innovative stupidity yet and that’s why we got to keep trying.

PLEDGE HAPPY

Rep. Steve Smith, a Republican from Maricopa and sponsor of a bill requiring all students to say the pledge of allegiance, suffered a setback when his head exploded after an aide informed Smith the pledge was written in 1892 by Francis Bellamy, a prominent socialist, Smith’s head spun, tripled in size and blew like a supernova, scattering tea bags and confetti over a square mile area.

  

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About this blog

David Fitzsimmons is the Star's editorial cartoonist.

To reach Fitz call 520-573-4234 (office) or email him at tooner@tucson.com.

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