Fitz Blog: Your Weekly Local News Update

2013-05-01T09:00:00Z 2013-05-01T09:38:05Z Fitz Blog: Your Weekly Local News UpdateDavid Fitzsimmons The Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

The story about the ricin sent to a handful politicians is a pretty gripping crime story. Investigators were looking at an Elvis impersonator with bipolar disorder who was sparring online with a child molesting martial arts master who fronts a blues band. Or as the Pima County Sheriff’s Department calls it ,”just another day in Three Points.”

The Jody Arias trial is wrapping up. Arias is such a sick twisted deviant I’m surprised she doesn’t have a radio talk show or a shot at being an American Idol judge. I hope she’s sentenced to life working as Nancy Grace’s cameraman. That’ll make her wish she was dead.

Ever look at the 88-CRIME logo? The last time I dialed a phone number that had handcuffs in the logo I ended up talking to a leather thong.

I went to an event at one of our casinos recently. I watched gamblers donate to the Native American’s fund. Watching these folks you have to conclude natural selection is not doing its job. Heads up grandma, slot machines are be social security check shredders.

I love the sedentary smokers. They're gambling they'll live to collect that day's jackpot. Hemlock is faster and less expensive.

TPD thinks they are so tough. They may be right. I hear that the Oro Valley Police Department doesn’t need pepper spray. They use silly string.

And when Marana PD puts out an “officer needs assistance call” that usually means he needs help putting together an ikea table.

Republican Sen. Jeff Flake noted his popularity has tanked among murdered schoolchildren since he voted against a bipartisan bill expanding background checks. “I’m not that worried, they can’t vote.”

Republicans hosted a breakfast in Councilman’s Steve Kozachik’s honor last week. They served toast, coffee and Eggs Benedict Arnold.

NBA center Jason Collins has become the first male athlete in a major professional sport to come out as gay. Maybe Wilma Wildcat is putting two and two together. Come clean Wilbur. Explain the eyeliner, the vest and the chaps.

The CIA has delivered millions in bribes to Hamid Karzai in plastic bags. His next gift will have to come in fireproof luggage because I'm hoping it's a one-way ticket to Hell.

Andy Warhol was right. Thanks to 24-7 aerial surveillance by drones everyone will get their 15-minutes of fame. Arizona, you’re on candid camera. To allay suspicion look up and wave every 15-minutes. And the nudist camp in Marana? You're on notice.

Star Wars is being dubbed into Navajo. With the Navajo Code talkers on the side of Princess Leia and the Rebel forces, Darth Vader and the Empire will be defeated in just one fast-paced film that will end with an interstellar drum circle and killer fry bread.

You know what the heart of downtown really needs? I do. A nasty congested transit hub for Sun Tran buses where a Trader Joe’s and hipster lofts should be. That's what makes a downtown great. No better place in all the valley for a transit center.

The land the Ronstadt Center is sitting on could be turned into huge revenue generating economic engine for the city. Well, that's one strike against the idea.

 

Put the transit hub at a rational transit nexus. I have no idea what the word nexus means. I should be a consultant.

And while you're at it level that grey box called the Tucson Community center and open that land up for development as a revival of the vibrant Barrio y latin quarter  that once thrived on that spot.Well, that's one strike against the idea. The word thrive really confuses city planners.

We like prisons. Here's an idea. Buy Humberto Lopez' Hotel Arizona, a.k.a. The Sky Dump, and turn it into a jail to house the boobs who squandered so much of Rio Nuevo's potential.

And can we please rebuild the Mission Convento at the base of Sentinel Peak so we will never forget the first European settlers who found this Eden, drank the Santa Cruz dry and gave us Pic 'n' Save.

And why haven't we swapped some downtown parcel with one of the tribes? Let them build a resort/conference/hotel/assisted living casino west of the interstate near "A" Mountain. Call it "Rio Dinero". Any tribe will do-- Tohono O'Odham, Corleone, or Genevese.

 

New research suggests the Earth's core is hotter than science suggested: 6,000 degrees centigrade--making it as hot as the dashboard of a Ford Fairlane in Bullhead City in July. With the windows up.

The same brainiacs tell us the solid iron core of the earth is actually crystalline, surrounded by liquid and filled with sinners and devils with pitchforks, dwarves with picks and children digging to China. Sounds like Tucson in July.

That's your Weekly Local News Update. Happy trails.

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About this blog

David Fitzsimmons is the Star's editorial cartoonist.

To reach Fitz call 520-573-4234 (office) or email him at tooner@tucson.com.

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