Fitz Blog: Your Weekly News Update

2013-09-10T10:00:00Z 2013-09-10T10:43:05Z Fitz Blog: Your Weekly News UpdateDavid Fitzsimmons The Arizona Daily Star​ Arizona Daily Star
The argument against action in Syria can be summed up in one word: Iraq-Nam-istan.

Sunnyside’s schools superintendent is no longer pursuing Chapter 7 bankruptcy after officials said he miscalculated his disposable income and actually had enough money to buy a pocket calculator and some Adderall.

There's something different at the Oracle/Ina intersection: a Michigan left. And after you take your Michigan left make a Utah U-turn, a California stop and a Rhode Island right. Miss your turn and you could end up in New Mexico in a New York minute.

Congress is so opposed to intervention they voted 356 to 134 against allowing my kid to get his lunch money back from 6th grader Chuck Muncey by giving him "what for".

Vladimir Putin has offered to take Assad’s chemical weapons off his hands. Putin will use the poison gas to hunt Siberian tigers next time he's para-sailing shirtless over the Manchurain Steppes. Putin is such a macho knucklehead. He was great in Jackass 3.

Breaking Bad has taken a surprise turn. In stunning break out role for his character Walt Jr seen working the cash register at family car wash and inviting customers to breakfast at the White home.

During a Senate session on Syria McCain was caught playing online poker. Mark my words. In a year he'll be huffing Marlboros, feeding the slots at Desert Diamond and longing to be recognized.

Sending Dennis Rodman to Syria could be risky. Possible headline: Rodman mistaken for hookah pipe
smoked to death by Islamist rebels.

George Zimmerman threatened his family with a gun. Mrs. Zimmerman---Stand your ground girl.

It's time to bid adieu to Anthony Wiener. Cartoonists are in mourning. I hear his concession speech is pretty limp.

A friend asked me if I played fantasy football. Fantasy Football? What is he talking about? Who has fantasies about football? Cheerleaders I could see. (Simply because I'm deeply moved by the profoundly gifted young, healthy, fit motivators who inspire us all to stand up and cheer.) Hard to believe there’s only one out-of-the-closet gay athlete in a sport where millions of men fantasize about a perfect team. When they pick their team do the men get together and compare the pecs and eye color of the players? Doesn't this behavior concern their wives? Did you notice that he knows all the Village People cheer songs? And you aren't a little freaked out by how much he agrees with you when you criticize the cheerleader's skimpy costumes? Clue # 1, sweetheart, he rented "Brokeback Mountain" after the Super Bowl. And what's with the Super Bowl? An event where I saw a big man cry because he had won a pretty ring. Then they sprayed each other with champagne and rubbed it in their hair. Something about men spraying each other with foamy fluid and slapping rumps and wearing pedal pushers is just too obvious--if you ask me. Face it, sweetheart, you're just the beard who provides chips and beer to the sports fan. So. To all you Fantasy Football Players out there. Good luck with your team this season.

 

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About this blog

David Fitzsimmons is the Star's editorial cartoonist.

To reach Fitz call 520-573-4234 (office) or email him at tooner@tucson.com.

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