Fitz: Melvin

2014-02-21T09:30:00Z 2014-02-21T11:23:19Z Fitz: MelvinDavid Fitzsimmons The Arizona Daily Star​ Arizona Daily Star

From the Office of Arizona State Senator Al Melvin:

Today I’m proud to tell you I have stood up against our so-called business leaders, like the Arizona Chamber of Commerce and Industry, and the Greater Phoenix Chamber of Commerce, by fighting to put a stop to the so-called “Common Core” standards. (Anything called a chamber sounds suspicious to me. By the way I hate chamber music. Give me Buck Owens or give me death!)

I have two main objections to so-called “Common Core” standards being implemented in our schools and here they are.

Number one: “Common Core” has the word “Common” in it. Any student of English knows the root word there is “Com”, which is derived from the word “Communism” which is what any Federal Program basically is, except for Social Security and Medicare, programs which I grew to admire and love once I turned 65.

Number two: Some of the so-called “Common Core” reading material is borderline pornographic. I cut those parts out and kept them for further study.

Number three: Not only that but the so-called “Common Core” program uses fuzzy math, sometimes going so far as to substitute letters for numbers. Some liberal eggheads call this trickery “Algebra”. I’ve seen newspapers use “Algebra”.  In the Arizona Red Star I’ve seen them use “Sen. Al Melvin, R-Tucson”. It really makes my head spin. What does “R minus Tucson mean? I think it’s code language used by democrats. It must mean I subtract from Tucson. I can see right through their schemes.

Whatever number comes after three: Not only that but the so-called “Common Core” program will brainwash our kids into believing this nonsense about global warming and even worse, evolution. Not to mention putting down our Founding Fathers who were all good Christian men who loved their slaves. Next thing you know all of our kids will turn into weird homosexuals who can’t recite the pledge of allegiance like good citizens for the life of them! When red dawn comes will we be ready? No, sir!

My fellow citizens (of an America enslaved by the the Kenyan dictator Barry Hussein Obama) I am proud that my fellow courageous Republicans on the Senate Education Committee voted 6-3 to to stop Arizona from going ahead with so-called “Common Core” standards the state adopted four years ago when they all must have been drinking Kool-Aide tainted with Communistic fluoride.

All these so-called business types seem to care about is whether or not high school graduates have the skills that make them employable or able to go on to college. Look at me! My knuckles drag on the floor, I saunter like a chimp, I couldn’t work a cash register at In ‘n’ Out and I’m a state senator. And I’m running for Governor of this fine state. Remember a vote for Al is a vote for liberty, and a nuclear reactor in your backyard. All real Americans love nuclear reactors, so shut your pie holes. Anyway, if a joker like me can find work any idiot can get a job in this state. And as for college? We all know college breeds liberals and atheists, the Blame America First crowd. Show me a diploma and I’ll show you a Jane Fonda draft dodger.

I have studied the Common Core program, that is if you call thumbing through it while watching Glenn Beck on TV talking about how Nazis discovered the truth about oil and how it’s an infinite resource and it’s not made from fossils at all and it comes from the center of the earth and the U.S. Government is keeping it all a big secret. Buy your gold from Glenn’s sponsors. I do. It’s buried in my backyard next to my guns and my Bible, ready for when the race wars come.

Of course, public schools are all for the so-called “Common Core”. You know how Captain Al feel about public schools. (I claim to love public education but every chance I get I kick them in the stern.) Ever since the Supreme Court took God out of our schools they’ve become hellholes that need to be shut down and replaced with charter schools that can teach whatever God-fearing America-loving curriculum they want. I hate public education from my bow all the way down to my poop deck. More than I hate NPR and Saddlebrookers who don’t fly the flag in their front yards.

I know vouchers are a plain dumb educational policy. I know there is no so-called scientific  evidence proving they improve student achievement. And they sure as heck don’t reduce the cost of public education.

Governor Brewer, a woman to the left of that lesbian socialist Rachel Maddow,

changed the name of “Common Core” to “Arizona’s College and Career Ready Standards”  hoping to pull one over on the likes of me and other Tea Party patriots. Well it didn’t work. She used to be a good woman who knew her place, then she got all uppity and became an Obama lover. She’s just a R-I-N-O in a skirt. A Republican in name only. You’d think her husband could control her better. A good republican knows how to keep his woman in line.

She claims Arizona needs a competitive workforce and that the so-called “Common Core” program will raise the bar. I’ll tell you what I’d like to raise. I’d like to $100 million to build a moat on the border to keep those Mexican hillbillies in rags who can’t speak good English from stealing good paying toilet cleaning jobs away from our  Arizona hillbillies who can’t speak good English. That’s how you protect jobs.

Let me close by saying we don’t need the Federal Government telling us how to run our schools and that we need to “raise our standards”. That’s Marxism. Everybody knows Arizona sets the standard when it comes to education.  That’s Melvinism.

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

About this blog

David Fitzsimmons is the Star's editorial cartoonist.

To reach Fitz call 520-573-4234 (office) or email him at tooner@tucson.com.

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