Fitz: Tuesday's Joke File

2014-07-29T11:30:00Z 2014-07-29T13:00:38Z Fitz: Tuesday's Joke FileDavid Fitzsimmons The Arizona Daily Star​ Arizona Daily Star

Hamas is so lousy at lobbing missiles, ASU basketball recruiters are calling.

Tucson animal lovers are hoping to trap, sterilize, and vaccinate feral cats. Is it wrong to hope a few humans get caught in the dragnet?

I don’t have an opinion on the Israel-Gaza crisis because I don’t want my house bulldozed and my children killed.

Why not legalize pot? We already have a subset of Americans  who are markedly unproductive, convinced their "insights" are brilliant and asleep at the wheel. We call them "Congress".

Oro Valley. 10,000 Seniors, 3 Safeways, and a speed trap. Oro Valley needs the speed trap. The ticket revenues fund the Viagra Overdose Hotline.

American parents ready kids for back to school with school supplies, academic pep talks and crazed shooter survival tips.

Oro Valley. It’s so new. The only thing built in the last century are the residents. And they’re constantly having to repair their plumbing.

Oro Valley. Oro is spanish for gold. Where’s the gold? All 327 Urology clinics.

Headline: Arizona, state that botched public education, botched immigration,  botched gay rights, botched gun control, botched children’s protective services set to review how it botches executions.

Oro Valley is a gold mine for traffic cops. The number one excuse? “I’m late for my colonoscopy.” The number two excuse? “Number two.” I’ll give the motorcycle cops credit. They’ve learned to write tickets fast.

I live in northwest Tucson. Home to so much unique character and history it’s known as the Chandler of southern Arizona.

Marana is home to the Marana Regional Airport, which is convenient if you want to fly to Mesa on the back of a plane made of balsa wood with a rubber band driven propeller.

Marana is amazing. People have been living in the area for 4,200 years. In fact I know one winter resident who’s been living in the left turn lane at Orange Grove and Thornydale for 3,600 years. Move already.

Headline:Reports of world going to hell moves satan to review border security, “We’re too crowded already.”

Enjoy an evening of all-new satire, humor and cartoon fun with Arizona Daily Star Editorial Cartoonist David Fitzsimmons! On Tuesday, August 12th at 7 p.m. The Great American Playhouse presents “An Evening with Fitz”. Call (520)512-5145 for tickets.The Great American Playhouse is located at 13005 N Oracle Rd in Tucson.

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About this blog

David Fitzsimmons is the Star's editorial cartoonist.

To reach Fitz call 520-573-4234 (office) or email him at tooner@tucson.com.

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