David Fitzsimmons: A couple of quizzes, a cat show and a chorus of 'Annie Get Your Gun'

2012-07-28T00:00:00Z 2014-07-02T10:50:17Z David Fitzsimmons: A couple of quizzes, a cat show and a chorus of 'Annie Get Your Gun'David Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

Quiz-time for Tucson

The Rio Nuevo Board:

1. is changing its name to the Rio Dinero Board.

2. is spending money to preserve landmarks.

3. is spending money to preserve its reputation as a dolt collective.

4. woke up in TMC and has no memory of the past 10 years.

After being reported missing this weekend, Michael Jackson's mother was found in Pima County:

1. just as easy as A-B-C, 1-2-3.

2. baby you and me, girl.

3. singing in Gaslight Theatre's production of "Jersey Goys", or "Larry and Curly go to Moe-town."

4. whipping the Tucson Boys Chorus into line.

Arizona Secretary of State Ken Bennett is working to keep the Quality Education and Jobs Initiative off the ballot because:

1. funding education properly sets a bad precedent.

2. he hopes to fill Gov. Brewer's high heels one day.

3. the president's birth certificate is priority No. 1.

4. Arizona's image couldn't get any better.

The Arizona Wildcats football team has rebuilt its image with:

1. a new head coach.

2. "Rodney Dangerfield's Guide to Self-Esteem."

3. duct tape and a national television deal on Cartoon Network.

4. a scheme to sneak into the PAC-12 by wearing a cloaking device making them invisible, and then, once they're inside ...

Cat Show

There's a cat show at the Doubletree today. Every cat show is "Toddlers and Tiaras" with tails.

Retract your claws. I have cats. And a dog, so I understand those who prefer the groveling companionship of dogs. Dog people always sneak in, snickering like Scooby Doo, asking about kitten juggling or saying "I tawt I taw a puttytat." Very funny. If our dogs are so smart why do they look at a litter box and see Whitman Samplers? Case closed.

If you plan to attend the show, I recommend ear plugs. The purring is deafening. I love the fur-ball hurling competition known as "kacking." Holding their cat like a blunderbuss, they squeeze Garfield until a fur-ball is discharged like a shot put. The night ends with cat fanciers telling their own version of the classic joke: The Aristocats.

Cat shows are Miss America pageants without the cat fights. My cat is smarter than Miss North Carolina. I saw last year's pageant-host lure a swimsuit contestant onto the runway with a feather tied to a piece of string. The cat judging categories are "Best Color," "Best Breed" and "Most Indifferent." The winners will receive a mouse head and a ball of yarn. Bring a food bank donation and they'll scratch you behind the ears.

Quiz-time, again

CPS is:

1. a PBS affiliate in Toltec.

2. underfunded, understaffed, overwhelmed.

3. inexcusably incompetent.

4. 2 and 3.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio appeared in court to answer charges that he:

1. hums the theme to "Rawhide" during round ups.

2. does a great "Speedy Gonzales" impression to loosen up his deputies before a raid.

3. may be a self-promoting bigot, but, gosh darn it, he loves illegals.

4. knows a sheriff in Pinal County who really loves at least one illegal immigrant.

The statue of Joe Paterno that was removed from Penn State will end up:

1. being purchased by the Rio Nuevo board.

2. on the Goldwater bombing range.

3. as a hat rack in the Marist College building.

4. in front of Arizona's CPS offices.

Under the gun

The nation is drowning in weaponry. We are a testosterone-sotted nation that adores guns - much to the perplexed alarm of the civilized adult world.

Our gun which art in the nightstand, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom has come. The NRA's will be done, in Washington as it is in our barrios and ghettos, giving us this day our daily death toll. Forgive us our trespasses as we blow away those who trespass against us for thine is the Second Amendment and the gun lobby's power forever and ever.

Just as vile porn is the unintended consequence of the purist's vision of the First Amendment, the gun plague is the consequence of the purist's vision of the Second Amendment. Fools dreaming of a gun-free utopia cling to an absurd fantasy. The genie is out of the bottle. The debate is over. I support conceal and carry with permits and training for all.

Paranoids argue permits and training and banning assault rifles lead to liberal fascism. In their fantasy the government they deride as incompetent - the same government that can't clear a neighborhood in Baghdad, will sweep across the land, confiscating all arms.

Such hand-wringing substitutes for thought, and as the gravediggers plow, governs our lives. The NRA's worst fears have bred a contagion of fear: Annie, get your gun and your training. And repeat after me: I pledge allegiance to the NRA's divine interpretation of the Second Amendment, and that for which it stands, one nation under the gun, in fear, with body armor and assault rifles for all.

Email Star cartoonist David Fitzsimmons: tooner@azstarnet.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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