Summer is coming to Tucson. It's going to get hot. Odds are good the ice on the Rillito is going to disappear faster this summer than Tiger Woods' career. Snowbirds are itching to split faster than a one-legged jackrabbit at a bobcat festival.
• Here's an idea for a 30-second campaign spot for Democratic congressional candidate Ron Barber. Scene one: Barber gathers fellow Democratic hopefuls Paula Aboud, Matt Heinz and Steve Farley in front of an Arizona sunrise and tells them, "My friends, I'm not your usual politician. If you get out of the race and let me run unchallenged in this special election, I will not run in November." Misty-eyed, the three Democrats look at each other and then with determination they look at Barber. A tense second passes and then all nod. As patriotic music swells flags flap in the breeze.
Scene two: Barber at a campaign podium. Looking into the camera he declares, "I am running in November!" Barber raises his arms in a victory pose as the slogan fades in, "Barber: Not your usual politician."
• Eleven people applied for Daniel Patterson's old job in the Legislature. To qualify to serve in the House you have to be an adult citizen and more out of touch with reality than the producer who, every New Year's, told Dick Clark, "Yeah, Dick, you look and sound great."
• The Reid Park Zoo is asking the public to drop off cuttings for its elephant herd. The Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum is so impressed, it's asking the public to drop off toy poodles for the hawks. Not to be outdone, the International Wildlife Mausoleum is asking for styrofoam packing material and cotton stuffing.
• High school graduate Jesse Kelly won the CD8 Republican primary, defeating a Harvard-educated Air Force pilot, a self-proclaimed American named Dave and Frank "spank me, I'm bad" Antenori. It's the tea party's send-a-"Country Thunder"-roadie to Washington program.
A cross between Gomer Pyle and Glenn Beck, Kelly will be taking on Barber, a noted Burl Ives stunt double. Here's a little known fact: Barber portrayed the white-bearded professor in "Jurassic Park" shortly before giving up on a film career because "directors weren't civil."
• The state of Arizona will execute a killer bee next Tuesday, according the Arizona Clemency Board. Buzz was sentenced to die for killing a mime at an Arizona street fair this spring. Despite a justifiable-homicide defense that aroused public sympathy, the judge sentenced the bee to be executed by lethal shoe.
"Killer" bees are the offspring of illegal insects who came here in the '90s to commit voter fraud and take away nectar from butterflies and hummingbirds. When Gov. Jan Brewer called on the Obama administration to build a giant screen over the state, she was rebuffed and claimed "I felt stung."
• This week the retired space shuttle Endurance arrived at the nation's official repository for historic artifacts, Sun City Vistoso. When the shuttle crossed over into our airspace it flew low over the retirement community, delighting spectators on the golf course, save for a Sun City resident who suffered heart failure and golfed under par.
Shuttle commander Biff Ripkin said, "There's lots to do at Sun City. Endurance is looking forward to grousing about the state of the space program and taxiing up to the Walgreens for a nip of the old WD-40." Endurance immediately complained about the heat, "My tiles were designed for broiling re-entry, not Tucson in July." The homeowners association has asked the shuttle to not park on the street.
• Three survivors of the Jan. 8 shooting are asking the NRA to back common-sense gun control laws. Good luck. That's like asking Ted Nugent to join PETA. At one time the NRA was a lobby for hunters and enthusiasts. I was an NRA member. I quit for two reasons: 1. Dues were high. 2. I support law enforcement.
• The Tucson Padres will be playing at Kino Stadium through August. I hope attendance is good. My friend Elliot Glicksman said he called the box office and asked the ticket vendor, "When does the game start?" The Padres guy said, "When can you get here?"
Contact Star cartoonist David Fitzsimmons: email@example.com