This is an unpaid advertisement from Freedom Picnic:
For decades, thoughtful gun advocates have been encouraging us to arm ourselves. We couldn't agree more. Here at Freedom Picnic we feel it's not enough to arm every man and woman in this great country - it's time we armed our children as well.
We're Freedom Picnic, America's leading developer of firearms and firearm accessories for infants and toddlers, and we believe only a small mind would leave the smallest among us defenseless. If your child's safety is your No. 1 priority do yourself a favor by checking out our new line of Freedom Picnic products. We've developed each one with your precious little pistol in mind.
Nothing says welcome to life in the greatest nation on earth like our biggest seller: the Pistol Pete Pacifier. Shaped like an adorable gun and molded to fit perfectly in the nursing mouth of your tender newborn, our latex-free pacifier will calm, soothe and teach your freshly minted citizen that true security can only come from the reassuring touch of a warm firearm.
Freedom Picnic stocks Pistol Pete Pacifiers in adult sizes too. Perfect for calming big people worried about government monsters under the bed or boogeymen in the closet who want to take away their guns! Order today and you'll receive a complimentary Freedom Picnic night light.
Like a Colt single-action Peacemaker slipped into a holster, slide your darling newborn into our amazing Bandalero Infant Car Seat. Fasten the X-straps named for the cartridge belts worn by bandits for a safe and secure ride home! Each strap holds 55 bullets!
Whether you're out for a stroll, or simply dodging random gunfire, our new Rolling Thunder Baby Stroller, by Winchester-Gerber, is the perfect baby carriage for 2013. Hummer tough, it comes with a convenient tray that includes one cup holder and two holsters. As a bonus we added a camouflage-themed, 100 percent NRA-certified, adjustable Kevlar canopy designed to block sun, wind and return fire. Available in gunpowder pink or Beretta blue. The optional Rolling Thunder Stroller Gun Rack is easy to attach.
No nursery is complete without our "Peek-a-Boom" Musical Mobile. Lull your babe to sleep with an enchanting array of tiny lethal weapons slowly circling overhead to the tune of "I Shot the Sheriff." Sweet dreams, American angel. Coordinates perfectly with our fall Crime-Scene Nursery Collection. (Sold separately)
Our nation's smallest citizens are never too small to learn the tiny cost of freedom. That's why we here at American Picnic have created a line of educational toys to teach them that an armed populace is a safe populace!
Let's start with Fisher-Smith-Wesson and Price's newest toy, "Baby Bang Bang," a colorful, fully functioning firearm scaled to fit a toddler's hands. Why settle for a happy child when you can have a trigger-happy child? Designed by Ted Nugent, "Baby Bang Bang" comes with six colorful bullets designed for baby to sort and load. You'll beam with pride as your little one develops trigger-pulling dexterity while less fortunate tykes play with building blocks or even worse, sift sand. Duck and cover, mom and dad!
What could be more handy than the Springfield Diaper Bag and Gun Tote! This versatile bag has a spacious compartment that includes an insulated bottle holder, a changing pad sleeve and ample room for the love of your life, your firearm. With multiple side pockets for high capacity clips, tourniquets and, of course, a set of Dad 'n' Lad Pistol Pete Pacifiers, your right to bear a smart and attractive diaper bag shall not be infringed!
American Picnic believes in the two pillars of American parenting: potty and pistol training. Old enough to poop, and old enough to shoot, your toddler will love "Uncle Uzi's Load 'n' Learn." Spin the chamber and name the weapon that produced the pop-pop-pop gunfire you hear. Thanks to Freedom Picnic's support for firearms proliferation, every American can recognize gunfire when they hear it. Guess right and Uncle Uzi fires off a round and Bystander Bear bites the dust! Why wait for video games to give your child the thrill of firing weapons? At Freedom Picnic we believe it's never too early to desensitize our children to violence.
And speaking of sensitivity, your preschooler will love huggable "Otto," the talking semi-automatic plush rifle. Tickle Otto's stock, he speaks. "Don't let Uncle Sam take me away from you!," "I love you!" and "Don't point me at mommy!" are just samples of what you'll hear. Otto is made of nonflammable materials. At American Picnic, your safety comes first.
And what comes second? Yes! That's right. The Second Amendment. Drill that credo into your little citizen's head with Wayne LaPierre's "Songs of Freedom for Kids" CD which includes such classics as "Dead Cold Fingers," "Old MacDonald Had a Firearm," "Itsy Bitsy Bullet" and "Only Outlaws."
Here at Freedom Picnic we believe children are our future. Just try prying any of our fine products from your child's fingers! Thanks to smart Americans like you who love their children almost as much as they love their guns - the future is here.
Recall notice: We regret to inform you we've had problems with the "Billy Bullet Rat-a-tat-tat Baby Rattle and Teething Toy." If you purchased model #242WZ please return the item for a full refund. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Email Star cartoonist David Fitzsimmons: email@example.com