Willard "Mitt" Romney bet a friend $10,000 he could do it, and he did.
The unsuspecting patrons of Tampa Titters got quite a shock when the emcee said, "Ladies and gentlemen, let's put it together for tonight's extra special guest, all the way from Michigan -you've seen him on Fox News and 'Meet the Press' -please welcome the Amazing Willard!"
The audience cheered. A smiling Romney bounded up on the stage, where a full carton of milk was waiting for him on the barstool behind the microphone.
Waving his arms over his head, he shouted,"It's great to be here in Tampa. How are you all doing?!"
Over applause and cheers he declared, "I'm the Amazing Willard and …" He laughed at his own line. "No one's ever asked to see my birth certificate!"
A lone heckler booed.
"Whoa! We must have an illegal in the audience! I thought you all self-deported!"
Mitt scanned the crowd. "Newt! I thought I fired you! Look! It's Georgia with pants, folks! I think he ate Chris Christie!"
He put his hand up to his head as though on a cellphone. "Bain? I found a property to buy."
He pointed to the heckler. "Bad news, Mister Rustbelt, Bain's bought you! I'm going to save you like I saved GM. Outsource that man right out the door!" The crowd roared.
"Oh, golly. I like firing people. I like firing people more than I like the smell of milk in the morning!" Mitt winked and sipped his milk. He held up the carton for the audience to see the label.
"It's 1 percent! I wouldn't drink anything else! I tried drinking 99 percent - I gagged!" Cue the spit take.
"Some people tell me they think I don't have sense of humor! Hey! I picked Paul Ryan didn't I? He scares seniors more than angina. Hello. Is this mike on? Hey, grandma! Lighten up. You look like you could use some Romney-care! Whatever that is! I never heard of it before in my life!"
He mimed an Etch A Sketch gesture and the crowd roared.
"Ann is always begging me to tell knock-knock jokes but I tell her - get outta here, girl! I'm busy working on tax havens! Go back to whatever it is you womenfolk do!"
His voice deepened. "Listen ladies, ya gotta keep that aspirin in place, or boom, next thing you know you're raising the whole Mormon Tabernacle Choir."
He winked. The audience fell silent.
"Any-hoo. My boy Paul loves Ayn Rand. Made his staff read her book about her ideal utopia … what was it called? Oh yeah ... 'The Hunger Games!' "
"I'm kidding. This is a great club. So many suits in here it looks like one of my my walk-in closets. … Oh. I haven't felt this rejected since I was a missionary in France.
"By applause how many birthers are here tonight?" A few claps. "OK, good to know. I'll speak slower." Rimshot. "No, really, I'm kidding. I love you people.
"Oh, heck! I hope that wasn't recorded or I'll have to buy up every last tape - and hide them all with my tax returns! Speaking of tax returns - I've been asked to show my 1040s more times than Obama has been asked to show his birth certificate! What's that about?"
The crowd chuckled.
"Can anyone tell me -where he was born? Offshore? Speaking of offshore, how about those Cayman Islands?
"I'll tell you this much -my money talks and it never said anything about seeing him there."
He looked down at a sap sipping a beer."You're so white you probably think the name Willard is cool." Mitt winked at him and shouted, "At least I hope so! I'm willing to bet you $100,000 I'm just like every one of you! Even you, sir!" The audience was roaring. He waited for the laughter to die down. Until everyone was ready to hear the next line.
"And another thing …" Mitt looked off to both sides, winced and whispered into the mike, "No one's ever asked me what mosque I attend either." The crowd guffawed.
"Hey we're just having fun, folks! Some people think this whole Barack-Obama-is-not-an-American shtick is offensive … Kenya believe it?"
He tossed his empty milk carton into the crowd. "You've been a great audience!"
They were still applauding when the house lights came on.
"Tip the waitstaff generously because they're living off trickle-down.
"Thanks for coming and be sure to tell your limo driver to drive carefully!
"I'm the Amazing Willard! I'm here through November! Good night!"