David Fitzsimmons: Pray for guns! Granny bar the death panel! GOP primary fight ending at last

2012-04-14T00:00:00Z 2014-07-02T10:50:19Z David Fitzsimmons: Pray for guns! Granny bar the death panel! GOP primary fight ending at lastDavid Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

The Republican primary election for Congressional District 8 is Tuesday. I listened to the debates featuring Frank Antenori, Jesse Kelly, Dave Sitton and Martha McSally. Here are the closing arguments I heard:

"We must secure the border with illegal death panels because we are spending the oil we need for our cycles of dependency. That's why it should be up to the states and not you and your doctor or some Muslim elite in a Prius. That's why I will refuse to rubber-stamp trickle-down amnesty! I will fight for supply-side prayer and repeal Barry Obama because unaffordable care made this nation great, not some time-traveling birth-certificate forger!

"When are we going to build the double border fence behind the federal takeover of so-called job-killing climate change? As long as I'm an American the answer to that challenge is no sharia law without a flat tax and, by God, I will pull our troops out of the war on Christmas by September! I'll stand up against the interests who want to put solar ethanol panels on the home of the free market's invisible hand! I'll fight the regulators who refuse to believe the answer to energy independence is the common sector's private sense and that's why those death panels are so important to family values. Our greatness is in our faith-based contraceptives that the Marxists want to take from us. That's why we Americans still have more oil and Bibles than Saudi Arabia!

"In closing, if drilling and praying for guns are outlawed, only criminals will have outlaws. Too many uninsured illegals come here to work on the Obama campaign and who pays for it at the pump? You and I do! And that's a pre-existing condition called class warfare - when what we should be talking about is Jobs, Steve Jobs. What are we? Europe? Clearly, if 99 percent is good enough for Jesus then Social Security gives us no choice but to kick the can down the road and I say here and now I am that can. Thank you and good night."

•••

I'm hoping for an Antenori win. What do you get when you cross Frank Antenori with a Mongolian warlord? Genghis Khangressman. Now there's a flamethrower the tea party can raise a cup to. How many Antenoris does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One, to screw it in, and another one to protect it from the evil feds lurking in the bushes.

Antenori finally turned in his campaign-finance report. Apparently he had to run a few red lights to get there on time.

The movie "Mean Girls" is about a catty backstabber who disses her friends to impress the clique she wants to join. It's based on Frank Antenori's slamming of Tucson every time he's around the big boys in Phoenix.

Sending Antenori to Congress to cure the plague of partisan gridlock would be like sending smallpox to cure polio.

•••

When does life begin? Will Republicans ever get one and back off from sticking their trunks where they don't belong? Arizona lawmakers passed three abortion bills, one defining life as beginning two weeks before pregnancy. I read it two weeks before it was written.

It makes sense in a state where Latinos are asked to show papers that pregnant women would be asked to present menstrual calendars.

The same tyke-loving lawmakers cut preschool education programs so savagely the National Institute for Early Education Research said Arizona offers a bleak educational future for its rug rats.

•••

• What killed painter Thomas Kinkade? Seeing there was no light at the end of Arizona's tunnel.

• After Tucson Unified School District's Governing Board fired Sean Arce, the Mexican American Studies director donned a beret and announced he will no longer go by the name "Sean" but instead will be known as "Cliché Guevara." The egos of the remaining program instructors will be boxed by TUSD and placed in storage.

• Tucson's streetcar system manager, Fred Rogers, told downtowners the construction of the rail system would not take long, promising residents a beautiful day in the neighborhood. He told business owners when he feels down he puts on his sneakers and his sweater and goes for a long walk until he feels better. Pelted with road cones, and hospitalized, Rogers is expected to recover.

• "The Three Stooges" opened this week and it features the slapstick humor of Larry, the city of Tucson and the Rio Nuevo Multipurpose Facilities District Board.

The city challenged a Rio Nuevo Board audit that questioned $467.6 million spent on a Depot Plaza vending machine. The audit, done by Watson & Holmes, said the expenditure was not approved by the board and noted the fizz had gone out of the Dr Pepper.

The city finance director said, "We don't vend Dr Pepper." The Rio Nuevo Board has asked the FBI and Interpol to investigate the matter and suggested a lawsuit may be filed to resolve this matter.

• Eating burritos has been linked to high incidences of "Chicano-ism" among whites. According to professor Michael Hicks, head of the Hicks Institute of Technology's Gastro-Ethnic Studies Department, consuming burritos can alter a subject's genetic makeup.

"Research conducted here at Hearsay Laboratories proves a diet of burritos can gradually change Caucasians into Mexican-Americans. I've seen it with my own eyes. Or so I've been told by others. I've cut back on burritos. I only eat Spam and Cheetos," he said.

This controversial study was greeted with skepticism by the entire scientific community, which recently phoned in an order for burritos and a pint of salsa.

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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