David Fitzsimmons: When City Hall elevator stalls, 'Bear Down' saves day

2012-07-21T00:00:00Z 2014-07-02T10:50:17Z David Fitzsimmons: When City Hall elevator stalls, 'Bear Down' saves dayDavid Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

This week's storm caused a power outage downtown, trapping the entire City Council on the City Hall escalator for 17 terrifying minutes.

Fire Department Capt. Martin Valadez said, "It was pandemonium when we got in there. We could see them all huddled together halfway up the escalator. They were crying and shrieking. And that was just the men.

"Two had passed out, three were delirious and one was so far gone he was making inappropriate sexual comments to his shoes and bargaining with God. I have to give credit to Councilman Kozachik. He made sure everyone stayed calm until help arrived by singing the University of Arizona fight song."

They're currently being treated for exhaustion.

Tucson Electric Power Co. says thousands of customers were without service after the big storm. Once power was restored, TEP spokesman Uncle Ben Parker encouraged residents to use their power "for good and not for evil," reminding customers that "with great power comes great responsibility. Not to mention a rate increase."

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio held a press conference on Tuesday, revealing that President Obama has ties to Michelle Obama, and that Andy Griffith came to him in a dream and told him heaven is " Mayberry - but without Floyd the barber." His chief investigator, Hector Clouseau, spent a week in Hawaii where he found affordable mai tais and evidence on a newsstand in Kauai that Joe Biden fathered a two-headed kitten.

The city of Tucson voted to preserve the Marist Building downtown because Pope Benedict XVI doesn't own a glue gun and Councilwoman Regina Romero has some amazing Michael's store coupons that will make this fixer-upper a fabulous crafting project.

While many say it's a beautiful historic building worthy of preservation, I say it would make a so-so Neighborhood Walmart. When pressed on whether it's a wise use of taxpayer dollars, Romero pointed out that the Marist is a famous adobe structure and noted it will play a prominent role in bestselling author Dan Brown's upcoming thriller, "The Da Vinci Building Code," due in bookstores this fall.

Observers believe the most recent border tunnels were dug by Mexican drug smugglers. Or worse, Mexican Beanie Baby smugglers who are known for their savage brutality. According to a survey, 100 percent of FOX news viewers believe the tunnels were constructed by George Soros in order to smuggle millions of undocumented robots into America to vote for Obama.

Paleontologist and professor Waldo Wiggins believes the tunnels were dug by giant prehistoric prairie dogs the size of Subarus. Ignoring Dr. Evil's claim of responsibility (aired only by the Jolt! 1330 AM), most citizens surveyed believe the tunnels were dug by huge worms called "politicians" who are hoping to remain out of sight during any immigration-reform debate.

When a monsoon strikes, deny its right to collective bargaining, avoid low-water crossings unless you have Aquaman on speed dial, do not enter any flooded washes if Egyptian charioteers are beside you in traffic, and if a Gila monster floats by at eye level, leave your car faster than an Italian cruise ship captain.

Recent storms packed quite a punch, dumping more than 2 inches of rain on the Tucson area on Sunday and knocking out power for more than 13,000 customers, George Foreman in the third round, Larry with a tree limb, Curly with a left hook and blowing Moe clear into Pinal County. Wile E. Coyote, who was last seen wearing Acme roller skates and a metal rocket strapped to his back, was struck by lightning. The bolt ignited the rocket and sent him pinballing off of telephone poles at 230 mph down Oracle Road. He sustained third-degree burns and a fractured skull and was taken to the same hospital where the six City Council members are recovering from storm-related trauma.

Email Star cartoonist David Fitzsimmons: tooner@azstarnet.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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