From: Supervisor Ally Miller

To: Pima County Board of Supervisors

Re: Funding request

I hope the board will put petty politics aside and consider the following funding request.

Just because I have accused all of you of contributing to the rampant corruption and cronyism in Pima County is no reason we can’t work together. I am still willing to reach out to you, in spite of being persecuted by your puppets, the lamestream media. (I don’t talk to them anymore. I only listen to The People Who Agree With Me, Fox News, and local talk radio’s Timmy Justice, or John Liberty, whatever his name is.)

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you and the lamestream media are in on the corruption with everyone else in this county. It takes an Ally Miller. Don’t tread on me!

When the board voted to move money from my district to fix other roads, the County Attorney’s office found no wrongdoing. Unbelievable! When the FBI investigated Rio Nuevo, it found no wrongdoing. Unbelievable! And when I told Interpol about Hangar 51, it found no wrongdoing. Unbelievable! I rest my case.

You’re all in it together, along with the clerk at Finkleman’s who double-scanned my mangoes, the weird “constituent” and a certain 9-1-1 dispatcher who didn’t hit the DEFCON 3 alert button when I told him my home address had been made public thanks to the lamestream media. What’s next? Are we going to tell everyone where our public board meetings are held?

Security is so lax one of “them” came to my office recently to see my $15,000 renovation. The size of Don Knotts, he scared the bejesus out of me. So many of my foes disguise themselves as “constituents” and “taxpayers.” (My crusade has made a lot of enemies. I estimate roughly 1,035,527.)

So now I have no choice but to jetpack on to the roof of the county building and rappel off the side and swing down into my office through the window like Tom Cruise.

It’s a risky solution, considering that it’s highly likely all the other supervisors on the seventh floor have air defense radar systems installed under their desks, next to their money laundering chutes and their secret decoder rings.

It wouldn’t surprise me if Supervisor Bronson has a Stinger missile — which I’m sure she bought with your hard-earned taxpayer dollars. Way to overlook that expenditure, Commissar Huckelberry!

The next thing you know good old Ally Miller will “disappear” like a Malaysian airliner, swallowed up in Commissar Huckelberry’s Bermuda Triangle, where millions of tax dollars, and the brave people, like me, who dare to cross the Huckster, all end up, floating around like they’re in the after-life from “Beetlejuice.”

Note: I will be discussing the anti-Miller conspiracy tomorrow morning on local talk radio on the “The Red Dawn Tea Party Hour” and Floyd Terkel’s “Wake up, You Sleepyheaded Patriots” show. If you want to talk to me, the best place to reach me is on local talk radio, which has excellent screeners.

Since the outing of my secret location, I’ve relocated my secret location to a secret location inside Biome 3 in Biosphere 2. My office is a completely sealed environment, decorated with a black velvet painting of Sarah Palin, some throw rugs. It’s where I like to make Tea Bag earrings with my glue gun. Nothing gets in my little bubble and that’s the way I like it. Well nothing except for Fair and Balanced News.

Since I can’t rely on the FBI, the Pima County Attorney or Interpol to uncover the truth about Pima County, I’m asking State Attorney General Horne and U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon to step in. Today, I faxed them my list of the enemies of the people who are in on the conspiracy to stop me from exposing the truth:

County Commissar Huckelberry.

Supervisor “Bulldog” Bronson

Supervisor “Benedict Arnold” Carroll

Supervisor “Fidel” Elias

Supervisor “Che” Valadez

Mr. Nim “Tucson Weekly” Jintzel

And, Tim “Red Star” Smeller

That’s just the start. I buried the rest of the list in a cotton field in Marana.

In the meantime, I hope the board will put petty politics aside and consider the following funding request: Based on my suspicion that Commissar Huckelberry has drones flying out of Marana Air Park monitoring my every move, I have no choice but to purchase a Swiss Army camouflage poncho, with matching parasol, and with your permission, charge it to Pima County.

Thanks you for your consideration. With your help I will clean up this county. God bless America.

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at