Fitz: Anderson Cooper invites State Sen. Al Melvin back

2014-03-01T00:00:00Z Fitz: Anderson Cooper invites State Sen. Al Melvin backBy David Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

When Arizona’s discrimination bill, SB 1062, was making international headlines, state Sen. Al Melvin appeared on “Anderson Cooper 360” to speak on behalf of persecuted bakers everywhere. Then Cooper invited him back.

Cooper: Welcome back to CNN, state Senator Matlock.

Melvin: Melvin!

Cooper: I’m sorry ...

Melvin: Senator Melvin!

Cooper: As you know, Senator Melvin, Governor Jan Brewer vetoed the bill.

Melvin: I knew she would, sir. She’s been co-opted by the gay and Lebanese agenda. You’d think her husband could control her better. I wouldn’t stand for it. A good Republican knows how to keep his woman in line.

Cooper: What is your reaction to the governor’s veto?

Melvin: Our bill was designed for religious freedom no matter how you turn or twist it like one of your fancy party pretzels, Sir. You’re still trying to set me up just like the last time, but I was too wily for you, Sir. I won’t stand for it, Sir.

In the Good Book it says that our Savior attended a wedding party in Ghana. When he found out it was for a pair of gentlemen who were a little — shall we say “light in the sandals” — can I still say “light in the sandals” in America, Sir? Am I free to do that, Sir?

Cooper: Feel free, Senator.

Melvin: Anyway, I’m sure He must’ve said: “Wait just a minute. I am not turning any water into wine for you two. Get thee behind me!” Next thing you know, the man was sued by some ACLU types. It happened. Read your Bible, Sir.

Cooper: Last time you were here I asked you if you thought firing a person for his or her sexual orientation would be discriminatory and you said ...

Melvin: What does China have to do with this? Why do you people always bring up the Orient? I don’t know of any case where anyone has ...

Cooper: You’re sputtering on our camera lens. Can somebody wipe down the lens? Senator, are you aware you’ve been called the “Ted Baxter of the right”?

Melvin: Fantastic! Thank you! Who’s Ted Baxter?

Cooper: You recently took issue with the implementation of Common Core standards in your state and ...

Melvin: Yes, Sir, I stood up against our so-called business leaders, like the Chamber of This-and-That and the Phoenix Chamber of What-Have-You.

Do you know what the root word is in “common,” Mr. Cooper? It’s “com”! And “com” is Latino for “com-mun-ism!” Which is what every federal program is, pure and simple, except for Socialist Security and maybe Medicare — two programs that I have admired and supported ever since 65 was in my rearview mirror.

Cooper: You said, “Common Core uses fuzzy math.” Can you explain?

Melvin: Yes, Sir. Sometimes they go so far as to substitute weird letters for numbers. They call this trickery “algebra.” I’ve seen the “elitists” use their “algebra” when they write out “Sen. Al Melvin” followed by “R-Tucson” right there in the local “so-called” newspaper. It doesn’t take a scientist to figure out that “R MINUS TUCSON” is Marxist code for “Republicans subtract from Tucson.” I can see right through their bias. I wasn’t born yesterday, Sir.

Common Core will brainwash our kids into believing the media lies about global warming and evolution, and our Christian Founding Fathers who loved their slaves, Sir! Next thing you know, our kids will be turning into homosexuals who will be buying wedding cakes willy-nilly — just as free as you please.

Cooper: As for public education in your state ...

Melvin: Ever since the Supreme Court took God out of our schools we’ve needed to shut them down and replace them with charter schools that can teach whatever God-fearing, America-loving, global-warming-is-a-lie curriculum they want. Public education is why I have socialist jackasses living on my street who won’t fly the stars and stripes in their front yards.

Cooper: The governor claims Arizona needs a competitive workforce and that Common Core will raise the bar.

Melvin: I’ll tell you what I’d like to raise, Sir. I’d like to raise $100 million to build a moat on the border to keep those Mexican hillbillies who can’t write — or speak — good English from stealing low-paying crap jobs away from our own hillbillies who can’t write — or speak — good English. That’s how you protect jobs, sir. We don’t need the federal government telling us how to run our schools into the ground. I won’t stand for it, Sir. Running our schools into the ground is our job.

Cooper: That’s all the time we have, Senator Melvin. Kathy Griffin called and wants to know if you’ll come on CNN and celebrate New Year’s Eve with us in Times Square. She says you’re hilarious!

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@azstarnet.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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