Fitz column: The monsoon season — boom or bust?

2014-08-08T18:00:00Z Fitz column: The monsoon season — boom or bust?By David Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

I did a search on Yelp for “nearby fun” and I was surprised to find “Monsoons” on the list. The reviews of this summer’s performance were mixed.

H What Monsoon?

Reviewer: Janet Livingstone

Today I saw one tiny pitiful cloud sitting up there in a corner of sky. It’s the size of a cotton ball! It belongs in an aspirin bottle, not a “storm system.” Pathetic! What’s the deal with the monsoons? Was the show cancelled? What a lousy light show! I’ve seen better fireworks at Old Tucson. And they don’t have fireworks!

HHHH Wow

Reviewer: Bubba Gomez

Amazing storm! I dragged our lawn chairs up on the roof and we saw the show of a lifetime. Started off with awesome thunder. And the surprise thunderclap ending made my grandson jump! LOL! If he’d jumped to the right, he would have been OK.

HHHH First monsoon!

Reviewer: Olie Hanson

Awesome thunder!! I have never heard anything like it. I was in the bathroom when the first one hit. It loosened a kidney stone! Wait till I tell the folks at the Arroyo Cafe about this little miracle. I still can’t hear. Tomorrow I’ll work on prying the cat off the ceiling.

H Not worth the trip

Reviewer: “Snowbird” Sally

I am very disappointed in Tucson’s much ballyhooed “rainy season.” What can you expect from the same group of people who call their sandy washes “rivers” and who post signs that read “Caution when ice on bridge!” “Ice on bridge?” Who are they kidding? They’re all liars.

HHH Sonoran Classic!

Reviewer: Felicia Merriweather

The kids and I watched the rain from the safety of our porch. It was like being trapped behind a waterfall! I got goosebumps. I didn’t know javelina could float.

HH Above par

Reviewer: Trini Columbo

The monsoon sure added excitement to our golf game. We played straight through one spectacular downpour all the way to the 18th hole. We’re all glad the EMTs were able to revive Father Burns. One thing for sure — he’ll never take the Lord’s name in vain again, no matter how bad the putt.

H Cloudy conspiracy

Reviewer: Beck O’Reilly

The government is behind this. Someone is killing the clouds.

HHHH Silent Summer

Reviewer: Rachel Carson

I’m very disappointed in your local TV weather people. Aren’t they responsible for your weather? Apparently, if you can say, “Tomorrow look for hot, sunny and clear,” over and over, night after night, for hundreds of days in a row, and you look sharp in polyester, you can be a local TV weatherman. Shame on them.

H Where’s the flood?

Reviewer: Elmer Huggins

Memo to Noah: Cancel the Ark project.

HH Summer Fun

Reviewer: Katie Manns

Every night I sit on my back porch waiting for the rain to come, like Linus waiting for the “Great Pumpkin” to appear. Where’s the “Great Thunderhead?” Aargh. I’m a blockhead. I’ve had it with our monsoon season. Want to see an amazing storm? Stay home and watch “Sharknado.”

H Where’s the rain?

Reviewer: Dean Martooney

This drought is so bad all they’re serving at the bar are dry martinis.

H What the heck?

Reviewer: Gary Nabhan

I guess if I want to smell desert rain this summer I’m going to have to crush some creosote leaves in my hand. OMG. Really?

H Downer downpours

Reviewer: Sour Frank

The closest I came this summer to experiencing a monsoon was sitting on the patio at “Sauce” underneath its patio mister. It was so hot my pasta sauce evaporated before my very eyes. Over 50 days of triple digits! Hey, Mother Nature — I got a digit for you.

HH Where’s the rain?

Reviewer: Dean Martooney

This drought is so bad all the comedy clubs are suffering. Nobody wants to see a dry wit.

H What lightning?

Reviewer: John Walton

Yawn. This season I was expecting to see enough lightning to put a Pink Floyd laser light show to shame. Instead I saw the equivalent of three lightning bugs with lupus. So we made our own lightning storm “spectacular!” We sat in our dark living room and let our twins spray us with their squirt guns while our 3-year old flipped the light switch off and on. Take that, El Niño.

I gave up reading the reviews when my son came running in the house as if Tweety Bird “tawt he taw” a cloud. He did. He did see a cloud. We all went outside to admire his beautiful cloud, pregnant with rain. And I immediately took action. I washed the car. When Tucsonans are desperate, we know what to do.

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@tucson.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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