Eddie the Elf took over for me this week so I could string lights, shop for a Speedo for my javelina and mutter, “humbug.” At age 700, Eddie retired to SaddleBrooke in 2011, where he makes toys, volunteers at the Elf Home and runs elf-esteem workshops. Eddie thought it would be fun to answer some questions about Christmas in Tucson from our readers.
What’s the best Christmas tree for a Tucson home?
Dear Mr. Bunyan,
Ha! Some idiots buy trees, can you believe it? Good choice, Charlie Brown, because that’s the color your tree is going be in a week here in this oven. Kindling with a star on top. O fire hazard, O fire hazard, we sing to thee, O fire hazard.
My friend, Ernesto the Elf, favors a retro aluminum tree, with bubble lights and feather boas. He uses a cow skull for a tree stand. “The eye socket works perfectly.”
Me? I use a cholla skeleton, draped with twinkle lights and Mexican tin ornaments, topped off with a nesting turkey vulture. The black widow spiderwebs are a nice Southern Arizona touch. They sparkle like tinsel.
Should I string holiday lights on my saguaro?
In the Old West when an angry mob shouted, “string ’em up” odds are good they were talking about Christmas lights. Go for it. Is your first name “Tiny”?
Why won’t the Christmas lights from last year work this year?
Why won’t Frosty retire to Gila Bend?
Ho, ho, ho. That’s the sound of Chinese factory workers laughing.
You expected them to actually work? Holiday lights are only good for one holiday. It’s the law. Deal with it. There are plenty of uses for dead light strands. I weave fishnet stockings for the reindeer out of mine.
I don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in my home?
How will Santa get in your home? Ho, ho, ho, Santa will use a crowbar! Just kidding. It’s all in the Kringle bait. Scratch the wholesome cookies and milk. Set out a Corona and some nachos. And for the road, some Red Bull to make Kringle’s graveyard shift a little zippier.
What was the best yard display you ever saw?
Jingle my bells! The best yard display was at the Winterhaven home of Mr. Bob Bellagio, who went with a Christmas in Las Vegas theme, complete with casinos with faux Roman columns, a laser light show, dancing waters and blinking marquees.
“Cirque du Soleil’s Eleven Lord’s a Leapin’” and “Live at the Luxor, Hanukkah Headliners presents Moses and the 10 Temptations!”
The Frankincense, Myrrh and Golden Nugget proudly presents “Siegfried and Roy’s Manger Menagerie featuring our rare Siberian Camels and the 3 Wise Dolphins!”
According to Bellagio, his light show burned out a turbine at Hoover Dam. “I’d do it again because I love Christmas.” One offended critic wrote, “Whose birthday was he celebrating? Liberace’s?”
Do you have an Abominable Snowman in Tucson?
No. But we do have the Christmas Chupacabra, a giant creature with fur like a javelina, claws like a bobcat and a heart colder than Jack Frost’s nose! Listen to this story from Nana Gomez, who works in our accounting department and drinks way too much eggnog:
“My grandmother grew up in a village in Sonora called Whoville. Every Christmas the peasants would gather in the town square, hold hands and sing corridos about El Claus. Then it was time to feast on the roast beast.
Little Cindy Loo-Who-Gomez-Sanchez-de-Vaca-Robles-Portillo-Castro-Vasquez-San-Domingo went to fetch the roast beast and it was gone — along with everyone’s presents.
Did the good people in my grandmother’s village go ahead and have their Christmas celebration anyway because they knew Christmas wasn’t about bows and ribbons and things? No, they did not. They formed a mob. My Nana threw rocks at the Chupacabra, and nailed it right in the maracas. It fled into the darkness at the edge of the world. Some say past Kolb Road, where it repented and lives to this day, coming into town only to place the star atop the holiday tree downtown after the Parade of Lights.
Tucson doesn’t have sleigh bells in the snow or Bing Crosby. What’s so great about Tucson?
My children have been very good lately. Are they sick? Is something wrong? What’s up?
It could be because Christmas is coming. Check their glowing halos for an expiration date on the inside of the ring. If they’re marked “Expires Dec. 26,” we could be on to something.
Please send your Christmas questions to Eddie the Elf, 11234 Snowball Lane, SaddleBrooke.