Fitz: Let's all work together to balance Tucson's budget

2014-04-05T00:00:00Z 2014-04-07T16:04:00Z Fitz: Let's all work together to balance Tucson's budgetBy David Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

This week it was one tough headline after another.

“Tucson fights to save D-M’s zeppelin fleet from cuts”

“City to cut town crier, passenger pigeons, Access Tucson”

“Wisconsin Badgers advance in NCAA to who really cares at this point?”

Thank goodness for the one bright spot:

“Pope Francis invites Arizona fans, TPD riot squad to the Vatican for spumoni.”

In the midst of all of this turmoil, our beloved Tucson is facing some tough budget choices: what to cut and what to keep. And that’s why I have created “Suggestion Box,” a new feature where we take constructive suggestions from you, the residents of Tucson, about how to balance our city’s budget.

It costs a lot to run a city, particularly if you include the cost of “Next window” signs, non-adhesive red tape and the one full-time city employee paid to run in front of the streetcar waving and yelling: “Don’t park there! Streetcar’s coming!”

Here are the thoughtful and constructive suggestions I’ve received so far.

Dear Suggestion Box:

Hey, Tucson! Our plan to relocate a herd of unicorns to the Catalinas should bring in the tourists.

Arizona Game and Fish

Dear Suggestion Box:

Place toll booths around the city at every river crossing. Every time someone crosses our sand moats from the Foothills into Tucson I’ll make them pay. Can I wear armor and a helmet?

Shrek

Campbell Avenue Bridge Troll

Dear Suggestion Box:

Cut police to the bone. Say my name. “Walter White.” Say it.

Dear Suggestion Box:

We think that big letter “A” on Sentinel Peak is a monstrosity. Put it on Ebay. Be sure to give us a heads-up.

Bert & Ernie

Sesame Street Salvage

Dear Suggestion Box:

Tucsonans love to gripe. How about a “gripers tax” that operates like my mom’s swear jar! Think of the griping it would generate.

Here’s how it works:

1) Every time you gripe about Tucson, throw a nickel in the jar.

2) At the end of the month, turn your bazillion dollars over to the city.

3) Gripe about how the city will waste your bazillion dollars.

4) Repeat.

In no time at all we’d have a humongous surplus to spend on items the city could really use, like an escalator to “A” Mountain or a magic rainbow bridge over the Interstate.

Yours,

Bob Grouse

Dear Suggestion Box:

Drop dead. I hate this town. They’re all crooks.

Signed,

Hopeful on 29th Street

Dear Suggestion Box:

Adopt-a-cop.

Here’s how my idea works:

1. Go to a website where they post pictures of all of TPD’s finest.

2. Look at all their sad, wide-eyed faces.

3. Pick the cop you want to adopt.

4. Send in your donation.

5. Wait for your monthly letter from your cop telling you all about what he or she has been up to and thanking you for your donation.

And if you happened to get pulled over by your adopted cop — think of the additional funding possibilities.

Go Bears,

Rod Blagojevich

Cellblock 17

Dear Suggestion Box:

Sell your soul to a Canadian mining company.

Ed Abbey

Dear Suggestion Box:

Tucson would be a great movie location for a sci-fi thriller. My dead cratered front yard looks like the moon. My wife says our whole street looks like “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” with pink flamingoes. Let’s make lemonade and rent the whole apocalyptic wasteland to Hollywood.

I can see it now. The sequel for “Escape From New York,” “Escape From Tucson.” Hey, Tom Cruise! “Oblivion 2”!

Peace,

Snake Plissken

Dear Suggestion Box:

Charge every cactus hugger two bits every time he says, “But it’s a dry heat.” Make me your tax collector. When you find something you love to do and you get paid to do it — well, that makes you the luckiest guy in the world.

Tony “Thumbs” Bamboogliani

Dear Suggestion Box:

Sell naming rights to the city. I’d pay $100 to change Tucson’s name to “Bongo Town” for a week. I’ll be checking Google maps.

Professor Bongo Credenza, B.S., M.A., T.T.F.N.

University of Arizona geography department

Dear Suggestion Box:

When you beg us to annex you, be sure to say “please.”

Mayor Ed Honea

Marana

Dear Suggestion Box:

Claim “ethnic” Tucsonans in Oro Valley feel threat from snowbirds. Invade. Hold referendum. Annex. World not care. Worked for me.

V. Putin

Dear Suggestion Box:

Here’s how you can balance the budget and have a billion-dollar surplus. :)

Why don’t you install parking meters in every parking space at El Con Mall, Park Mall and Tucson Mall. Voters will love it! LOL!

Need some pocket change to tide you over? HA HA.

Chuck Huckelberry

Pima County

Thanks to everyone who contributed by sending in his or her fantastic suggestions. I’m sure the mayor and council are looking forward to more constructive offerings in the tough days ahead.

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@azstarnet.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Activate

Latest Fitz Report video

More

Fitz studio: How to draw the President

In this video tutorial, Star cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons teaches you how to draw the Preside…

Latest Newsmakers video

More

Sarah interviews Dr. Peter Rhee, part 2 of 3

Dr. Peter Rhee discusses mental health and other issues surrounding gun violence.

Featured businesses

View more...

Deals, offers & events

View more...