Fitz: Once delightful dining on the Bighorn Special dissolves into dangerous experience

2014-01-18T00:00:00Z Fitz: Once delightful dining on the Bighorn Special dissolves into dangerous experienceBy David Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

Dear Arizona Game and Fish:

My family and I have lived here in the Pusch Ridge area for many generations. As you can imagine we have grown accustomed to the limited range of dining choices in our area.

You can only imagine how tiresome the same old jack rabbit can become after awhile!

So it is with great excitement and anticipation that we want to welcome you and your new food delivery service to our area. We wish you all the best and look forward to sampling your menu.

Sincerely,

Mr. M. Lion

Dear Arizona Game and Fish:

One afternoon the pride and I were out trying to decide what to eat. It’s always the same argument: Chinese, Mexican or mule deer? You know how it is with a big family!

Well, there we were, bickering, when out of the blue we found the answer right in front of our whiskers! We saw one of your menu offerings, a big fat juicy bighorn sheep grazing on a nearby hillside and we thought, why not try one? I believe your catering menu lists it as your “Yuma Special,” imported all the way from Western Arizona.

Well, my family and I naturally selected (We are big believers in natural selection! Get it? LOL!) your main entree right there on the spot! We were not disappointed by our wonderful meal. It’s been years since we’ve had bighorn available here and we are eternally grateful to your food service for bringing back an old family favorite.

Some might complain that your menu selection is limited, but we absolutely love it. Arizona Game and Fish, it’s no secret that we like our portions big and you do not disappoint! And, I might add, in this day and age when we’re all more conscientious about our diets, the locally grown organic ram we had the following day was equally superb.

Definitely five claws up. You can count on a positive review from us on Yelp.

Appreciatively,

Mr. M. Lion

P.S. Here is my Yelp review:

Five Stars! If you like rack of lamb and you’re looking for a Foothills dining experience with superb Southwestern atmosphere and valley views to kill for — then look no further than Arizona Game and Fish. And here’s the best part: No more stalking wild game for days! We’ll definitely be back for more!

Dear Arizona Game and Fish:

I haven’t heard back from you. I’m going to assume it’s the mail service in this area.

Just a quick note to tell you we recently tried your Bighorn Special again. I must say the meat was a bit stringy. And I don’t want to sound catty but you could at least offer toothpicks.

Yours,

Mr. M. Lion

Dear Arizona Game and Fish:

I’ve been telling everyone about your Bighorn Special.

The cubs love the leg of lamb. (Kids can make such a mess! Don’t you hate it when they play with their food? LOL!)

And their mom, “The cougar who must be obeyed”, adores the Bighorn Tartare.

Kudos! Keep up the good work!

M. Lion

Dear A G & F:

Do you take suggestions?

Since you’re the best when it comes to delivering locally grown gluten-free fare, I was wondering if you might consider expanding your menu choices to include elk and pronghorn antelope. FYI: Both are locally grown and would be an excellent addition to your menu!

Also have you considered offering live music? Perhaps a jazz trio? BTW — love the prompt delivery!

Yours,

M. Lion

Dear Arizona Game and Fish:

Recently, my cousin noticed warning signs posted in the area that say “Caution: High Mountain Lion Activity”. These signs are, in a word, offensive. I resent the suggestion that any members of our pride, your customers, are ever “high.” Could you talk to your Forest Service friends about this insulting nonsense?

Proudly sober,

M. Lion

Dear Arizona Game and Fish:

We were recently informed by one of your servers that we could order the bighorn sheep, but if we did order the bighorn sheep he would be forced to kill us. Then he produced a rifle. What kind of catering service are you running? Is this some kind of a joke?

If it is — I’m not laughing.

Rethinking my Yelp review,

M. Lion

Dear Arizona Game and Fish:

I have never been treated so rudely by a catering service. I had just sat down to enjoy my fourth helping of your Bighorn Special when, out of nowhere, shots were fired over my head! What’s that about?

You can only imagine how this detracted from an otherwise lovely dining experience.

We left without paying the bill — and if you were expecting a big tip, I have one for you: Don’t hike alone.

Perplexed,

M. Lion

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@azstarnet.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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