Good morning. The National Weather Service has issued an excessive heat warning for Tucson with above normal temperatures expected to continue for several decades.
With this in mind, the National Weather Service has asked amateur meteorologist, and Tucson native, Sour Frank, and professional meteorologist Phil Arroyo, to share some tips on how to survive the summer heat.
Phil: Hello, everybody, and how are you, Frank?
Frank: Toasty. What’s the forecast, Phil?
Phil: Today, sunny and clear. Tonight, sunny and clear. Overnight we’re expecting sunny and clear.
Phil: Sunny and clear. Got any tips for us on surviving the summer, Frank?
Frank: Move to Wisconsin.
Phil: Frank, you’re funnier than sunscreen on a door knob.
Frank: What do you expect? It’s hot here.
Phil: We just got a report that the “A” just slid off “A” Mountain and we have reports of woolly mammoths trapped in a midtown Tar Pit called Speedway. Reid Park lake? Gone. Evaporated.
Frank: That’s the way we like it. Man, it’s hot here.
Phil: We know it’s hot here. What are in your hip pockets, Frank?
Frank: Popsicles. We natives always carry Popsicles in our hip pockets. I have another summer weather tip for you, a great way to stay cool! If the heat gets to be too much, do what I do: consider a getaway vacation in the walk-in produce freezer at Costco. Or, you might try sleeping overnight in a frozen foods locker at Fry’s. I tried that for a week once. I made an awesome camouflaged costume out of Stouffer’s frozen TV dinners. Nobody was the wiser.
Phil: That’s why you have frozen peas in your hair?
Frank: Yeah, well, peas or not, I slept great, Phil. I dreamed I was a penguin with Popsicle hands and banana split eyebrows. It was beautiful. Man, it’s hot out there.
Phil: We know. Anymore tips?
Frank: This time of year you may want to restrict your outdoor activities to ... January. The rest of the time stay indoors. I don’t know if any of you noticed but, man, it’s hot out there.
Phil: We get it. We live here. We know it’s hot “out there.”
Frank: Heat making you edgy, Phil? It’s getting to you isn’t it? Some of you at home may be at risk for heat stroke like poor Phil here. The best way to avoid heat stroke is to wear loose-fitting clothing like kimonos or muumuus when you’re indoors. As for the ladies, wear whatever works. When you go outside, do what Phil’s grandmother does. Wear nothing but sunscreen, cat’s-eye sunglasses, and a smile. You may have seen her jogging on Ina.
Phil: That’s my grandmother. She’s a Zonie through and through. Any more tips for us, Frank?
Frank: This one’s pretty serious, hombre. Never leave your children or pets inside your vehicle. Now that’s good advice. Do you know why?
Phil: Let me guess. Because it’s hot out there?
Frank: Bingo. Hey, I’ve got another tip! If you wear a hairpiece like Phil here, and you smell smoke, douse your hair with flame retardant and scream until help comes. Spontaneous combustion can be a killer at this time of year. I saw Phil’s dad burst into flames on Grant outside of Bookman’s. All that was left was a walker and a little tiny smoldering briquet.
Here’s another one: Do not walk barefoot to your mailbox unless you’re studying fire walking under a certified fire-walking instructor.
Frank: Because It’s hot out there. Here’s a tip. You see buzzards circling overhead, you’ve been outside too long. Phil, I have another tip for the folks. When driving in this heat always wear a thong and oven mitts. And don’t sit on a hot seat belt unless you want “GM” branded on your behind. I just learned Phil’s sister Edna has the “Ford” logo on her rump. Nobody wanted to see it down at the Arroyo Cafe last Saturday but she insisted.
Man, it’s hot out there. When you’re out shopping, park in the shade near the door, even if you have to fight for that parking space. When you find the one space you’ve been trolling the parking lot for, the one with the sad pitiful tree casting just enough shade to cover your dashboard, be willing to fight for that shade. Don’t back down. Phil, real Tucsonans don’t back down.
Phil: Really? You’re recommending a duel in the sun over a parking space?
Frank: Natural selection is a beautiful thing, Phil. There isn’t enough shade for all of us. Man, it’s hot out there.
Phil: So I hear. This is the National Weather Service wishing you a safe and pleasant summer. And remember, it’s hot out there.