Fitz: Tell you what, Tesla; we'll put a 'T' on Sentinel Peak

2014-04-19T00:00:00Z Fitz: Tell you what, Tesla; we'll put a 'T' on Sentinel PeakBy David Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

Tucson is courting Tesla, the electric-car company looking for a site to build a lithium battery factory. Here is the correspondence they have exchanged.

Tesla,

You don’t know me, but I’d like to get to know you. Next time you swing into town give me a call. I’d love to show you around. There’s a cool vibe here, with a touch of weird.

Portland with peccaries,

Tucson

Tucson,

Thanks for your inquiry. As you know Consumer Reports rated our electric car, the Tesla, the best car ever. We’ll keep your name on file.

Tesla

Tesla,

I love electric cars! I rode an electric bumper car at our county fair once! Some of my parking garages have charging stations for — you guessed it! — electric cars! And guess who’s getting an electric streetcar fleet? Me!

And I love Electric Light Orchestra! Almost as much as I love Linda Ronstadt!

Maybe we could take Electric Slide lessons together! That would be fun!

Yours, from Seattle with sunburns!

Tucson

Tucson,

You must be the exclamation point capital of the world. We’ll keep your name on file. Thanks for your inquiry.

Tesla

Tesla,

Your warm response gave me goosebumps.

How’s the site search for your lithium battery factory going? I didn’t realize a mood stabilizer required batteries. They must be very tiny batteries.

I checked out your website. You’ve got a lot to offer a town. A 10-million-square-foot factory that will employ 6,500 people. Awesome!

Here’s my bio. It’s from match.com:

“I’m a big town with a small city heart. Other cities tell me I have a warm, sunny personality and a good sense of humor. I’m what they call a ‘mover.’ I’ve got the Union Pacific rail line and the major interstates to prove it.”

Baby, I got what you need.

Was that too forward?

Tucson

Tesla,

Three suggestions:

1. Check out Mission San Xavier del Bac. Great backdrop for a Tesla photo shoot!

2. Stop in at the University of Arizona. Ask about their flux capacitor and time-travel research and development.

3. Drop in to the newly designated Pothole National Monument. It’s the deepest in the world — not nearly as deep as our conversations about our hopes and dreams for the future!

Tucson

P.S. When can I meet your daddy, Elon Musk? I just love his Hyperloop idea. Let’s build one from Tucson to Phoenix to the Grand Canyon! Dibs on the front seat!

Tess:

Can I call you Tess? There’s been a lot of wacky stuff on the news about Arizona lately that’s not too flattering and let me say that’s not my Arizona, Tess. That’s my nutty relation up north. Every family has a crazy uncle in their attic right? That’s Phoenix.

That’s not me. I may be weird, and a little gritty, but I’m not crazy.

Every time I see “batteries included” I think of you.

Warmly,

Tucson

Tess:

I feel like I know you, like we’ve got a connection, like we speak the same language. Can you feel the “electricity” between us?

I’ve been thinking of replacing the “A” on “A” mountain with a “T”. We’ll tell people it’s “T” for “Tucson”, but you and I will know that it’s “T” for “Tesla.”

If you’re coming to the Old Pueblo be sure to wear some saguaro blossoms in your hair. Your next Sonoran hot dog is on me.

Abrazos,

Tucson

Tucson:

Stop calling me “Tess.”

Tesla

Tessie,

Give me a chance. That’s all I’m asking for here.

Come over to my casita! I’ll break out the Coronas ... make a mesquite fire ... put on some Linda Ronstadt. Did I tell you I know her?

I’m really getting a good vibe here. Like we’re hitting it off. It’s pretty clear we share the same interests. I love mining asteroids, roving Mars and decorating with solar panels. I love the optical sciences, the biosciences, aeronautical engineering and just about any geek in an adorable white lab coat. We could be a great team, you and I, taking on the world together!

I even have a “Born to Innovate” tramp-stamp tattoo. LOL.

I’ll show you my tattoo if you’ll show me yours.

Tucson

T,

You’re freaking me out.

Tesla

Tessie,

Who are these other cities you’ve been seeing? Do I know them? I thought we had something special going on, something exclusive. I was ready to give you everything, open my home up to you and now I learn you’ve been seeing other cities.

I may not be rich or famous, but I’ve got heart. And I like you, Tess. I really like you. My therapist said the trick is not to project too much. Do I sound desperate?

Madre de Dios, I think I love you.

In a knot,

Tucson

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@azstarnet.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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