Bonnie Henry: Everyone has a political take, so why not me?

2012-11-02T00:00:00Z 2014-07-01T17:11:46Z Bonnie Henry: Everyone has a political take, so why not me?Bonnie Henry Special to The Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

No matter who wins on Tuesday, there will be cries of impending doom, along with a great gnashing of teeth, rending of clothes, and a run on sackcloth and ashes down at the local "dollar" store.

And that's just among the TV ad reps who suddenly have to get out and beat the bushes for new commercials. Goodbye political ads, hello the singing carpet lady, the Southern belle mattress lady, and a tripling of Jim Click ads, which by law must all begin with the word "folks."

We here in Southern Arizona have been pounded mainly with political ads centering on either the Carmona-Flake Senate race or the one pitting Democratic Rep. Ron Barber against Republican challenger Martha McSally.

The silliest ad I've seen all season is the one castigating Ron Barber for not fixing Washington in the less than five months he's been there. They are absolutely right. During his brief tenure, Barber also:

• Could not stop the polar icecaps from melting.

• Neglected to get the Israelis and Palestinians to the negotiating table.

• Failed to answer the age-old question: "Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?" Let alone, "Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?"

As for the Carmona-Flake contest, if Democrat Richard Carmona wins, I predict he will force everyone at the Statehouse to learn how to rappel from a helicopter hovering 40 feet above Gov. Jan Brewer's private residence.

If Republican Jeff Flake wins, I predict he will demand that Carmona personally clean up all those graffiti images of Flake that have been tagged onto Arizona's canyon walls. Wait a minute. You mean that ad wasn't real?

As for the presidential election, here are my predictions as well. If Mitt Romney wins he will:

• Tear up Michelle Obama's garden and install a gas fracking operation. This will have the added benefit in that White House chefs will no longer have to stray far from the kitchen faucet in order to light their cherries jubilee desserts.

• Challenge Russian President Vladimir Putin to a game of mumbletypeg.

• Declare - then subsequently deny - that waffles are his favorite breakfast food.

On the other hand, if President Obama is re-elected, I predict he will:

• Force congressional Republicans to harvest, clean, cook and eat every last vegetable grown in the White House garden.

• Declare Donald Trump's hair an endangered species.

• Reveal that he was simultaneously born in Kenya, in Hawaii and on a yet-to-be-named planet.

While none of these predictions will likely ever come to pass, I am certain this one will: On the day after this election is settled, the talking heads will already be discussing who might run in the next presidential contest.

Among the likely candidates:

• Chelsea Clinton.

• Tagg Romney - but only if Dad loses.

• Big Bird.

Bonnie Henry's column runs every other Sunday. Contact her at Bonniehenryaz@gmail.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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