Fitz column mug

David Fitzsimmons, Tucson’s most beloved ink-stained wretch.

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If you are seeking an abortion, Arizona Republicans — looking like confused puppies — want you to tell the state why. They say they’re just collecting data. Like you’re doing something criminal. Gov. Doug Ducey signed a bill Friday requiring women to answer specific questions when seeking an abortion. I wonder how entitled alpha males would react to being questioned about their delicate reproductive health care.

Doc. This is not easy to talk about. I’m 66.

Try me.

My wife and I are having trouble … I just can’t … you know … like I used to when I was …

You want Viagra.

Ex-actly. Bingo! Yes!

I am legally bound by the State of Arizona to ask you a few questions before I can write you a scrip for Viagra.

What?

The state wants to know why you want Viagra.

What?

Are you electing to use Viagra?

Yes. I’m electing to use Viagra.

Is it due to your health?

There may be snow on the roof but there’s still fire in the stove!

That’s a “yes.” Will you use this drug to rape, or commit incest or …

Good God! What kind of question is that? No! No! No!

Will you use this drug in activities associated with sex trafficking?

I’m not a criminal. Why are you making me feel …

Answer the question.

Just. Give. Me. My. Medicine!

Answer. The. Question!

All right! No! I won’t use this drug in sex trafficking.

Were you coerced into “seeking” Viagra?

No! … Yes! … Maybe.

Were you coerced into “seeking” Viagra?

Maybe that is nobody’s business except for me and my wife. I’m a law-abiding adult. A grown free man. Who are you to tell me what I can and can’t do with my body?

Gov. Ducey, Rep. Eddie Farnsworth and the entire Republican Legislature believe your body is their business. Your testicles contain the miracle of life. Now please answer the question: Were you coerced into getting Viagra?

Maybe!

Good. Thank you. Was that so difficult?

Are we done?

With the written test. Now please get up and follow me to the exam room where I want you to jump through some additional hoops.

What?

Jump through these hoops that I’m holding. Give me a second to light them on fire. There. That’s good. Exciting, huh? Whoa that’s hot!

You’re nuts if you think I am going to jump through—

On the count of three.

No!

You want your Viagra?

All right!

One … Two … Three. Jump! Excellent! That was good. Now this hoop. One … Two … Three. Jump! Even better! Let me write down your score so far.

Is there ANYTHING else?

Arizona law requires you to watch a brief video featuring Gov. Ducey and Rep. Eddie Farnsworth.

For crying out loud! I only want some Viagra.

•••

Hi, I’m Gov. Doug Ducey.

And I’m Representative Eddie Farnsworth. And we’re both interested in your private parts.

The governor and I want you to know that there are many alternatives to Viagra that are available to you. Tell them, governor.

Thanks, Eddie. These alternatives include abstinence, abstinence, and of course, there is always abstinence. Did I mention abstinence? It’s not too late to change your mind! For more information ask your doctor.

•••

Good video, right? Got any questions for me?

Yeah, doc. I have a question for you. Why is it easier for me to get an AR-15 than it is to get my reproductive health care? In the time it took me to run your obstacle course of guilt and shame I could’ve bought enough semiautos to arm Somalia. And Chicago.

I don’t have a clue. The state knows what’s best for you!

Can I have my prescription?

Sure.

Really? I can get some? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. THANK YOU.

Come back tomorrow at this time.

What?

Twenty-four-hour waiting period. Man-da-tor-y, my man.

You’re kidding.

Nope. The state wants you to think long and hard about the terrible thing you’re thinking of doing. Let it soak in. Like a child in detention. We’ll see you tomorrow.

No you won’t.

Why not?

Tomorrow? I’m registering to vote. I’ll see myself out.

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@tucson.com.