Fitz column mug

David Fitzsimmons, Tucson’s most beloved ink-stained wretch.

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Let me set the scene: President Trump is taping his Veterans Day speech in the Oval Office...

Are we ready to record? Alright, Huckabee, let’s do this.

On this Veterinarians Day, on behalf of all of America’s pets, I want to thank all our great men and women in scrubs for their phenomenal pet care —

What’s that, Jared? Really? It’s veterans? Who gave me this script? Huckabee? Kellyanne?

Jared? Really? You wouldn’t have lasted a single episode on “The Apprentice.” I don’t need your stupid script. I can wing this.

General Kelly! I have a question. If Veterans Day is some kind of super-official holiday, then why am I stuck here delivering this lame speech when I could be golfing?

Are you asking me if I understand the meaning of Veterans Day? Of course I do! I know a lot, general. Believe me.

And I’m about to deliver the most incredible Veterans Day speech ever — because I am the very first president in history to ever honor our nation’s veterans.

You’re wrong, general. I’m the first. Look it up. Obama didn’t. Lincoln didn’t. President Bartlet completely blew off the veterans. Ask Frederick Douglass. Ask the lying media! This is going to be huge. Roll the tape.

On this Veterans Day I want to thank all of you who served our great nation in faraway places like South Korea and Atlantic City, in places like Nambia and Covfefe —

You never heard of Covfefe? It may come as a huge surprise to you, but yes, sir, I have troops stationed in Covfefe.

It’s top secret.

Covfefe. Google it. Thank God I’m smarter than all my generals. Roll the tape.

On this Veterans Day I am very, very proud of all of our veterans. All of you except for those who were captured by the enemy. Like John McCain. Some war hero. Getting captured isn’t heroic. I’ll tell you what’s heroic. Living with bone spurs.

We still rolling?

On this Veterans Day I am very, very proud of all of our veterans, except for all of the disease-carrying Mexican illegals who signed up for military service just because they’re angling for citizenship. Is there no job those rapists and murderers won’t take from—

What? OK, OK, OK!

Start over. Rolling. On this Veterans Day I am so proud of all of our veterans — except for our transgender men-who-are-women-in-uniform, and vice versa. I want them out of the military. I want them gone. Out!

And on this Veterans Day I want to say I am very, very proud of all of our military families, except for that Muslim family that insulted me at the Democratic convention.

Mr. Wrath of Khan, right? I’m the least anti-Islamic person I know! Who knew there were Muslims in the military?

And what’s with these “Gold Star” families? Can you believe that widow lying about what I said during our phone call? That’s the thanks I get for taking time away from my golf game to call her to thank her for the sacrifice of her husband, what’s-his-name.

What, General?

Sgt. La David Johnson? I knew his name. Listen. I know a thing or two about sacrifice. Kellyanne, get over here and rub my feet.

Rolling. On this Veterans Day I am so proud of all of our men and women in uniform. And boy, do some of our women look hot in their uniforms. Something about a woman in a uniform, right? Wow. Fantastic.

General Kelly! Stop sighing so loud. Microphone’s picking it up.

Rolling. On this Veterans Day I also want to give a shout out to all of our wounded vets. I was the first president to ever visit our nation’s wounded at their bedside.

They’re so excited to meet me. It’s a beautiful thing.

First, I remind them that they knew what they were signing up for. And then I like to share my inspiring story of how I, a veteran of a really tough high school military academy, managed to become a billionaire, in spite of having terrible, terrible bone spurs.

Now that’s a hero.

Thank you for your service. Are we good? Mar-a-Lago’s calling.

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@tucson.com