Fitz column mug

David Fitzsimmons, Tucson’s most beloved ink-stained wretch.

Steven Meckler////

Here it is Dec. 2 and old Saint Nick is already getting letters from kids from all over the world declaring their innocence and asking for Christmas gifts. I was given an exclusive peek at the best letters and a few of his responses:

Dear Santa:

For Christmas, I’d like a game! Games are fun. I love to play games. Is there a Bowl Game at the North Pole looking for any teams to play?

Rich Rodriguez

Football coach, University of Arizona

P.S.: We’ll take the “Island of Misfit Toys Bowl” if there’s a slot to fill.

Dear Santa:

For Christmas I want a Senate seat.

Making America %&$! Great Again,

Congresswoman Martha McSally

P.S.: Throw in a “Men in Black” memory disintegrator so I can erase the memory of all the 2018 voters who might remember my pro-Trump voting record and I’ll personally escort you down into town in my A-10 on 12/24.

Dear Santa:

Please send me more bunches of tumbleweeds. I am building the giantest Christmas Tree. I have been a mostly good boy, sort of.

Burrito Mussolini

Dear Santa:

I don’t need anything. The Koch brothers already gave me Arizona in the last election. And the Legislature. And the courts.

Regards,

Gov. Doug Ducey

Dear Santa:

I’d like a job teaching in any other state in the country. Or in the world for that matter. Anywhere.

North Pole?

Regards,

Every Teacher in Arizona

Dear Santa:

We don’t have a fireplace. I don’t know anybody here in Tucson who has a fireplace. And then I had this idea. I asked dad to buy a chiminea and he did! I hope you’re not too fat. You might get stuck. I’m leaving you some churros and a glass of horchata. Feliz Navidad.

Felipe O’Rourke

Dear Santa:

I want an ICBM that can deliver multiple nuclear warheads to Mar-a-Lago. I have been a very bad boy. Very bad. But not as bad as that dotard across the ocean.

Yours,

Kim Jong Un

P.S. And I’d love it if you could throw in a “Scarface” DVD, a Dennis Rodman poster and a six-pack of Sarin gas.

Dear Santa:

Merry Christmas! We can say that, now that I’m the president.

You’re welcome.

President Trump

P.S. Watch out for Muslims. I hear they eat reindeer babies. Can I have coal in my stocking?

Dear Santa:

I’d like a grenade launcher. I drive a 10-mile commute across Tucson back and forth five days a week. Been doing it for 14 years. I can’t take it anymore. If one more snowbird leaves his turn signal on ...

The guy behind you in traffic

Dear Santa:

I’d like a seed block, an egg timer and three cans of “Claws off” bobcat repellent.

The Quail Family

Dear Santa:

We’d like a Dumpster filled with hot steaming garbage, some breath mints and a bottle of Febreze.

Appreciatively,

The Javelinas

Dear Javelinas:

Only if you stop scaring my reindeer.

Santa

Dear Santa:

I am 8 years old and I live in Tucson. I would love a Barbie and a “Beauty and the Beast” DVD. Most of all I would love to see snow on Christmas Day.

I love you, Santa.

Virginia

Dear Virginia,

I love you, too. You’ve been a good girl, Virginia, so the odds are good that you’ll find the gifts you asked for under your tree. But as far as you getting a white Christmas, forget it. For what it’s worth, Virginia, snow has nothing to do with the birth of Christ. He was born in a desert, not in Vermont at a Holiday Inn. Snow is overrated. Any elf will tell you, “Scrape enough ice off a flying sleigh and you’ll get sick of snow faster than you can say, ‘Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown.’”

Make a snowman out of tumbleweeds and call him Parson Brown.

Ho, ho, ho,

Santa

Dear Santa:

A sane president would be nice. If he mistakes you for a North Korean ICBM, Christmas will never be the same. Fingers crossed. God bless us, everyone.

Merry Christmas.

America

Contact editorial cartoonist and columnist David Fitzsimmons at tooner@tucson.com