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David Fitzsimmons

Fitz: Huppenthal's back

After reading an insightful column critical of state Superintendent of Public Instruction John Huppenthal, I checked out the associated online comments and stumbled upon this delightful exchange:

June 28, 2014 12:00 amLoading…
Fitz: Hillary claims  Clintons "dead broke" after White House

Fitz: Hillary claims Clintons "dead broke" after White House

During her book tour Hillary Clinton claimed she and the President were "dead broke" when they left the White House. "I know what it's like to try to make ends meet. We were so broke we were unable to afford to hire Joe Biden to clean the swimming pool at our New York estate. And he was offe…

June 25, 2014 6:00 amLoading…
Fitz: Pope excommunicates Mafia, joins Italian witness protection program, rumored to be tango instructor in Budapest

Fitz: Pope excommunicates Mafia, joins Italian witness protection program, rumored to be tango instructor in Budapest

Rome (Fitzwire)--Rumors are flying about the whereabouts of  Pope Francis, who vanished hours after excommunicating all members of the Mafia during a visit to Calabria, Italy, a center for organized crime. Some suspect he was encouraged to join the Italian witness protection program and relo…

June 24, 2014 9:30 amLoading…
Fitz: Hillary book bumped off Amazon bestseller list to #13.

Fitz: Hillary book bumped off Amazon bestseller list to #13.

Los Angeles (Fitzwire)--This week "Hard Choices" by Hillary Clinton was bumped off the Amazon bestseller list to #13. Here are the current top twelve bestsellers that knocked off the undeclared Presidential contender:

June 23, 2014 4:30 pmLoading…
Fitz: Historic milestone reached: No one left to kill in Iraq

Fitz: Historic milestone reached: No one left to kill in Iraq

Baghdad (Fitzwire) -- A milestone in the middle east was reached today when it was learned there was no one left in Iraq to kill. “Everyone's dead! I was surprised there was anyone left," said Ali Kasim, as he lay dying from a gunshot wound. "Apparently we murdered every last man, woman, and…

June 23, 2014 9:30 amLoading…
Fitz:Dr. Mehmet Oz loses 65-pounds during congressional grilling about dubious weight loss products he promotes

Fitz:Dr. Mehmet Oz loses 65-pounds during congressional grilling about dubious weight loss products he promotes

Dr. Mehmet Oz stunned observers on Capitol Hill when he announced he had lost 65-pounds during the intense congressional grilling he was getting about the dubious weight loss products promoted on his "Dr.Oz" television program. "I was amazed at the results. If I could bottle this experience …

June 22, 2014 6:00 pmLoading…
Fitz: In bid to unify Iraq Obama announces arrest of Bush, Cheney, others to come

Fitz: In bid to unify Iraq Obama announces arrest of Bush, Cheney, others to come

Washington (Fitzwire) -- This week in a bid to unify Iraq, President Obama  will be turning former Vice-President Dick Cheney and President George Bush over to the Iraqi Ministry of Justice where they will be tried for war crimes. “We wanted to do something to bring Iraq together. Open up a …

June 22, 2014 9:30 amLoading…

Fitz: Long-lost toy truck brings flood of memories

With son leaving for college, dad suddenly turns sentimental. 

June 21, 2014 12:00 amLoading…
Fitz: Some cartoons are just for me

Fitz: Some cartoons are just for me

Sometimes there isn't room on the page for  the cartoons I draw for the syndicate. This one speaks for itself.

June 19, 2014 7:00 pmLoading…
Fitz: Inspectors find Weapon of Mass Destruction in Iraq: Religious beliefs thought responsible for deaths of millions

Fitz: Inspectors find Weapon of Mass Destruction in Iraq: Religious beliefs thought responsible for deaths of millions

Today a team of United Nations weapons inspectors located what they believe to be weapons of mass destruction. "We were scouring a sacred site and came upon so-called holy books. It was then we realized we'd happened upon a destructive force dwarfing anything we might imagine." As the team r…

June 19, 2014 9:30 amLoading…
Fitz: Some cartoons are just for me

Fitz: Some cartoons are just for me

Sometimes there isn't room on the page for  the cartoons I draw for the syndicate. Here's one I liked. The radical right mouthpieces are now running the show.

June 19, 2014 12:00 amLoading…
Fitz: UA to slash NPR, KUAZ budget, Klick to stay, Klack to go, fewer things considered

Fitz: UA to slash NPR, KUAZ budget, Klick to stay, Klack to go, fewer things considered

Southern Arizona’s public radio and television broadcaster is facing $2 million in cuts being phased in by the University of Arizona starting next month.

June 18, 2014 9:30 amLoading…
Fitz: Vice-President Dick Cheney prays for forgiveness for Iraq, "I was wrong"

Fitz: Vice-President Dick Cheney prays for forgiveness for Iraq, "I was wrong"

Vice-President Dick Cheney today told the press he regularly prays for forgiveness for the role he played in invading Iraq. "I should've made "W" triple the troop deployment. I should've made "W" drop the big one on that miserable sandbox. I should've gone over there and searched for the Wea…

June 18, 2014 9:00 amLoading…
Fitz: McCain calls on Obama to invade Iraq, aiming to blame Obama for strategic blunder

Fitz: McCain calls on Obama to invade Iraq, aiming to blame Obama for strategic blunder

Senator John McCain today called on President Obama to launch a full-scale invasion of Iraq, saying his Republican colleagues would support such an action without reservation.

June 17, 2014 9:00 amLoading…
Fitz: U.S. offers to trade Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to Taliban for stick of gum

Fitz: U.S. offers to trade Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to Taliban for stick of gum

The White House announced plans for another controversial swap, this time involving an Iraqi and any Afghan wiling to bargain. Specifically, President Barack Obama ordered the United States State Department to offer to trade Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki for a stick of gum, a camel, …

June 16, 2014 9:00 amLoading…

Fitz: Mood dims when Sour Frank packs his rifle for a pancake run

There was a little excitement down at the Arroyo Cafe when Sour Frank walked in packing heat. South of his belly he’d shoved a Magnum, in his vintage holster he’d planted his precious old Colt, and across his ample back was slung a freshly oiled Bushmaster AR-15.

June 14, 2014 12:00 amLoading…
Fitz:Far-right Tea Partier takes down big not-far-right-enough Republican Eric Cantor,  Barbarians at the Gates of the G.O.P., D.C. in flames

Fitz:Far-right Tea Partier takes down big not-far-right-enough Republican Eric Cantor, Barbarians at the Gates of the G.O.P., D.C. in flames

Far-right Tea Partier takes down big not-far-right-enough Republican Eric Cantor,  Barbarians at the Gates of the G.O.P., DC in flames

June 11, 2014 9:00 am Photos

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Fitz:Hillary Clinton memoir on sale everywhere, mostly in lobby of every motel Bill Clinton might visit

Fitz:Hillary Clinton memoir on sale everywhere, mostly in lobby of every motel Bill Clinton might visit

Hillary Rodham Clinton’s story of the crises, choices, and challenges she faced during her four years as America’s 67th Secretary of State go on sale tomorrow in bookstores everywhere, and, according to our inside source," in the lobby of every motel in America that Bill Clinton might drop i…

June 09, 2014 3:00 pmLoading…
Fitz:Seattle raises minimum wage to $15 an hour, Tucson kicks off "Indentured Servitude Celebration Week" with live auction of call center employees

Fitz:Seattle raises minimum wage to $15 an hour, Tucson kicks off "Indentured Servitude Celebration Week" with live auction of call center employees

Recently the city of Seattle raised it’s minimum wage to $15 an hour, blowing the minds of Tucsonans wheezing in the heat outside a Taco Wagon business conference. By coincidence, that very same week, the city of  Tucson kicked off a weeklong “Celebration of Indentured Servitude”, that concl…

June 09, 2014 1:30 pmLoading…

Fitz: Surviving swelter takes more than a sunny disposition

Good morning. The National Weather Service has issued an excessive heat warning for Tucson with above normal temperatures expected to continue for several decades.

June 07, 2014 12:00 amLoading…
Fitz: 500,000  “Impeach Obama for leaving an American behind in Afghanistan" protest signs found in dumpster behind RNC

Fitz: 500,000 “Impeach Obama for leaving an American behind in Afghanistan" protest signs found in dumpster behind RNC

On Thursday half a million  “IMPEACH OBAMA FOR LEAVING AN AMERICAN BEHIND IN AFGHANISTAN” signs were found by sanitation workers next to a dumpster behind the Washington-based headquarters of the Republican National Committee.

June 06, 2014 9:30 amLoading…
Fitz: Obama looks into Putin’s eyes, sees soul of Boris Badenov of Bullwinkle fame

Fitz: Obama looks into Putin’s eyes, sees soul of Boris Badenov of Bullwinkle fame

At a  D-Day commemoration in Normandy, President Barack Obama and his Russian counterpart, Vladimir Putin met face-to-face.  After their brief encounter President Obama said, “I recalled how President Bush said when he looked into Putin’s eyes he saw the man’s soul. I looked into his eyes an…

June 06, 2014 8:45 amLoading…

Fitz: Summer comes to town, with his dry sense of humor in tow

On my office wall the thermometer’s mercury was bubbling up like a geyser and this gumshoe’s throat was as dry as the Santa Cruz in June. I headed outside my downtown office and after a Tucson minute the noonday sun had bullied me into the Hotel Congress Tap Room for a little neon and Corona.

May 31, 2014 12:00 amLoading…
Fitz: Top 15 Nicknames for Saguaros

Fitz: Top 15 Nicknames for Saguaros

The Top 15 Popular Nicknames for Saguaros according to an unscientific poll of Tucsonans at the Arroyo Cafe:

May 30, 2014 9:30 amLoading…

Fitz: Mom seeks relief, scores some weed

My friend’s 81-year old Jewish mother, Betty White with sugar on top, was looking to score some weed. And I was along for the ride.

May 24, 2014 12:00 amLoading…

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