David Fitzsimmons: 'Desert Miracle' package: a baby boy, brightest star

2012-12-25T00:00:00Z 2014-07-02T10:56:19Z David Fitzsimmons: 'Desert Miracle' package: a baby boy, brightest starDavid Fitzsimmons Arizona Daily Star Arizona Daily Star

You are Mary and Joseph, right? And this is Bethlehem?

I'm Sammy and this is Bo. We're from "Party On!" and we're here to deliver the birthday party package you ordered, which, according to my list, includes one deluxe artificial snow machine, 12 spools of tinsel, 11 sprigs of mistletoe, 10 pounds of jingle bells, an electric fireplace, five yule logs, a chestnut roaster, three French hens, two turtledoves and pre-lit Alpine Christmas tree.

This isn't what you ordered?

It says right on this form that you folks ordered the "White Christmas Spectacular" birthday party package with the dancing elves, talking snowman, amazing Kris Kringle, the one-horse open sleigh, eight reindeer ...

You don't know what a reindeer is? It's like a tiny camel with big antlers that pulls sleighs through the snow - you have seen snow, right?

No way!

Sorry, ma'am. We'll whisper. Yes, ma'am. We don't want to wake the baby. Boy or a girl? A boy? That's a cute one, lady. Lucky kid ... growing up in a stable family. Get it? Stable!

Tell me about it! We got a newborn at home, too. Yeah. Our kid doesn't sleep through the night, either. You're telling me. No kidding? Nonstop visitors? Shepherds and wise men? I'll bet you have, ma'am. We saw the camels parked out front.

I'm sure everyone loves him. That's wonderful.

What's that, sir? She said what to the wise man? If you love him so much, how would you like to change his diaper? That's funny, ma'am. They did? They just waved him back to you ... and clasped their hands together and looked up at heaven? I'll bet they did! Men, right?

Boy, that's the truth. Swaddling ain't cheap these days.

Mary, can I call you Mary? What exactly did you and Joseph order?

"The Desert Miracle" package? Doesn't sound very Christmasy to me.

Yes, sir. I realize this is a desert, sir. Judea. Palestine. Yes, sir. "Desert Miracle" package it is, sir. No snow, no reindeer, no elves ... got it. You're the boss.

What's that? Kringle? You never heard of him? Well, he's got a long white beard ...

No, ma'am. Moses? No, he's not Moses.

Where are you kids from? Nazareth. Here for the census. So ...

Change the whole food order? OK, lady, tell me what you want. Falafel, hummus, dates, flatbread, honey and olives, and what else? Figs? Got it. Hey, Bo, call the caterer and cancel the candy canes and that weird pudding. And call up Ali Baba's cafe. Order "The Middle Eastern Family Special" for, um, I don't know - How many guests are you expecting, ma'am?

Hundreds? Could be more? Joseph here says he has an idea. Bo, tell the man on the phone they'll need five loaves and two fishes. That's right. They said they'll make it stretch if they have to. How would I know? Just do it.

What about the "Rockin' Christmas" party mix DJ, folks?

It's a birthday party, lady. You got to have music. "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" would be a hoot if you two knew what a reindeer was.

You already have music? Angels. Seriously?

A celestial hallelujah chorus singing at the top of its lungs overhead every night. Yeah, I'll bet it is hard to sleep. And with a new baby. Say, what's with the little drummer boy out front? All day and all night? I can imagine, ma'am. I'll talk to him.

Excuse me for saying this, but this place does not exactly smell like Christmas. Tell you what, we got some cinnamon and pine- scented candles in the truck and ...

Oh, really? You've got plenty of frankincense. And myrrh? So you're fine. OK, good.

How you folks can have a Christmas celebration without gingerbread, tinsel and grinches is beyond me. But the customer is king! That's what I always say.

Listen, lady, I don't want to argue about who is a king and who isn't. It's just a saying.

One more thing: The electrical decorations. Are we still going with the 3,000 feet of minilights around the eaves and the dancing Frosty in the front yard?

You're both shaking your heads. Why I am I not surprised? Listen, you're a nice couple but, take it from old Sammy here, party lights can make or break a party.

What do you want me to look at? Let me step off your porch here. Up where? Oh, I see it. That star is very, very, very bright.

Yes, ma'am. I'll say! That's got to be quite an electric bill.

OK. We'll be back, folks, with your "Desert Miracle" package. And we are really sorry for the mix-up.

Happy birthday to your boy, ma'am, and Merry Christmas.

Email Star cartoonist David Fitzsimmons: tooner@azstarnet.com

Copyright 2014 Arizona Daily Star. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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