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Here's your dose of Irish humor — the corny kind

Here's your dose of Irish humor — the corny kind

Tucson St. Patrick's Day Parade

These group of ladies, the Mashed Potato Queens participated in the St. Patrick's Day Parade downtown near Armory Park Sunday March 17, 2013, in Tucson, Arizona. Photo by Benjie Sanders/Arizona Daily Star

The Irish pride themselves on their humor. And rightfully so. Some of the greatest wits were Irish: Jonathan Swift, Oscar Wilde, Brendan Behan, George Bernard Shaw. The list goes on.

OK, those are the ones with wit so refined that it sells plays and books.

Then there is the other kind of Irish humor: Jokes that are punny, corny and just plain stupid.

That’s what we are offering for the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day. We surveyed family and friends and pored over the internet to find Irish-centric jokes.

Go ahead: Laugh. Groan. Roll your eyes. But we’re willing to bet you’ll repeat a few of these.

What do you call a big Irish spider? A Paddy long legs.

Why is Ireland the fastest growing country in Europe? Because it’s always Dublin.

Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they’re always a little short

Never iron a four-leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

“What’s wrong with Murphy?” asked Father Green. “I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,” said Mrs. Murphy.

Dr O’Mahony tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news, John.” “Oh dear, what’s the news?” John replies. “You only have 24 hours to live,” Doc says. “That’s terrible; how can the news possibly be worse?” says John. “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday,” Doc says.

An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?” “Who told you that?” asked Paddy.

What do you call a leprechaun who gets sent to jail? A lepre-con.

Why do leprechauns hate running? They’d rather jig than jog.

How can you spot a jealous shamrock? It’ll be green with envy.

What do you call an Irish man who keeps bouncing off of walls? Rick O’Shea.

What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food? Gaelic breath.

What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? Paddy O’Furniture.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.

Sean says to Dr. Flynn, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “Hmm, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome,” says Dr. Flynn. “Is it common?” asks Sean. “It’s not unusual,” Dr. Flynn says.

What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone? A sham rock.

What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player? The Halfback of Notre Dame.

Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato? To keep from falling in the stew.

Do leprechauns make good secretaries? Sure, they’re great at shorthand.

How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold? He took a shortcut.

What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs.

Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with? Because they’re very short-tempered.

“I married an Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day.” “Oh, really?” “No, O’Reilly.”

When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato? When it’s a French fry.

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green? A jolly green giant.

What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day? St. O’Claus!

What kind of tree does an Irish math teacher climb? Geometry.

Paddy says to Mary, “if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?” “My uncle Mick” replies Mary. “What’s so special about him?” asks Paddy. “He’s got a boat.” 

Irish puns are the most O’ffensive.

How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? He’s Dublin over with laughter.

What did St. Patrick say to the snakes? “Hiss off.”

What is black and blue and found floating upside down in the Irish sea? Someone who’s tells a stupid Irish joke.

Contact reporter Kathleen Allen at or 573-4128. On Twitter: @kallenStar

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Kathleen has covered the arts for the Star for 20 years. Previously, she covered business, news and features for the Tucson Citizen. A near-native of Tucson, she is continually amazed about the Old Pueblo's arts scene and feels lucky to be covering it.

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