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Ask Amy: Long-ago encounters may yield current offspring
Ask Amy

Ask Amy: Long-ago encounters may yield current offspring

Dear Amy: Over 35 years ago, when my husband was 19, he had sexual relations on two occasions with an older lady, who later informed him that he was the father of her two children.

His paternity was never proven, as she was known to be dating others at the time.

I met my husband a few years later. We emigrated to this country after our marriage. We have been married for many years and have children in their 20s.

One child recently did a DNA test, which did not show any link to any possible siblings elsewhere. However, am I correct in understanding that this link would only show up if the possible siblings also did the DNA test?

I am concerned that at some point in the future, our children may find out that they do have half-siblings and will be shocked and maybe angry that they were never told.

I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to tell them, as this all happened before I met their father.

Should my husband inform them of the possibility of half-siblings (though we don’t have proof of that), or wait to see if anything comes out of these DNA tests down the road?

— Wondering Wife

Dear Wondering: This story isn’t quite holding together for me (are these children twins, or did these encounters happen over the course of a couple of years?), and so I am trying to imagine the conversation your husband might have with the kids: “When I was 19 I had sex two times with a woman who claimed I fathered both of her children, but I don’t think I did .... Sooooo, just giving you a heads up!”

I can’t imagine what you might expect your kids to do with this incomplete and ambiguous information.

A more judicious course might be for your husband to at least attempt to follow through regarding his own DNA questions and these possible offspring or to finally settle into his certitude that they are not related to him.

He might be extremely resistant to exploring a possible connection to them, but I think it is wise for you both to grasp the fact that this question seems to have dangled over your entire marriage. Your husband thought this possibility was important enough to tell you about it, and now you are both worried about it decades later.

You are correct that any DNA matches need to be included in the collection data, but at the rate testing seems to be increasing worldwide, matches down the line are always possible.

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and his 20-year-old son moved into my home two years ago.

Four months ago, his son committed a felony.

He had illegal drugs mailed to my home from across state lines. We found out the package contained illegal drugs.

We delivered the drugs to his dealer and said we would not call the police if he moved to another state to live with his mother.

Now, four months later, the son is coming to visit our state.

I told my boyfriend that his son was not welcome to sleep here. I didn’t care if the son came over when my boyfriend was at the house, but he could not stay overnight.

My boyfriend said he would respect my wishes, but now he keeps asking if his son can stay for a night or two.

I have continued to say no, but he is getting angry with me and it’s causing tension between the two of us. Should I let his son stay over to keep the peace?

— Worried

Dear Worried: You delivered illegal drugs to a dealer in order to protect this young man from the consequences of his actions. If he committed a felony then, didn’t you do the same?

It seems (to me) that this young man easily drew you into his life of crime.

I agree with you that he probably should not stay with you; you two are obviously extremely vulnerable to engage in whatever behavior his poor judgment leads you to.

Dear Amy: I am writing regarding the letter from “ML,” whose girlfriend of 10 years did not want to share Mother’s Day with his mother.

I am reminded of the story my sister told me. She asked her husband what he was getting her for Mother’s Day, and he responded, “You’re not my mother.”

ML should celebrate “his” mother, and his girlfriend should understand that.

- A Reader

Dear Reader: The younger woman’s selfishness was on full display.

Contact Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com


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