Forgive me, dear readers — Mom, Dad, Keith, guy who was just innocently looking for the classifieds and landed here by mistake — for I have guilt.
Not really sure why. Maybe my Catholic upbringing? When I was little, my mom marched us kids to confession regularly, whether we’d done anything juicy enough to report or not. That’s probably why I feel this huge need to unburden myself. Oh who am I kidding — I’m lying. And now I have something else to add to my list.
The real truth is, I get a kick out of midnight confessions on “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” and he asked viewers to tweet their transgressions and, since I have way too much for 140 characters, I figured I would purge my soul in a column. Because I can.
So, here goes:
It might be gross, but I still have all three positive pregnancy-test sticks. (Not out on the coffee table or anything, just in a bathroom drawer.)
I refuse to throw out my kids’ baby teeth, and I still have a beloved dog’s puppy fang.
Still on the topic of teeth, No. 3 lost a chomper and I had to pay him with money from his own wallet because the Tooth Fairy’s was empty.
I will never see the latest “Star Wars” flicks because I have not forgiven George Lucas for those crappy Episodes I, II and III that ruined my favorite childhood movies.
I’m kinda coming around to mayonnaise.
I made a special trip to the bakery and purchased a birthday cake, and it wasn’t anyone’s birthday.
Sometimes, I hum the “Nationwide is on your side” song, even when I haven’t heard it on the TV.
As long as we’re on the topic of insurance, I think Flo from Progressive would be fun to hang out with on a Friday night.
For more than a year I’ve kept this email in my inbox about a workout to achieve the perfect butt. I’ve never read it.
Sometimes, when my hands are wet, I dry them on my fluffy little dog.
I steal candy from my kids’ holiday stashes when they’re not home.
I keep reading Entertainment Weekly even though I don’t know who half of the people featured are. And worse than that, I can’t make out most of the words because the type is way too small.
Also, I still can’t quite pull the trigger on a pair of reading glasses.
I like to mess with my kids when I pick them up from their respective schools by parking behind identical minivans to see if they’ll go to the wrong one.
Reading a book is too big of a commitment for me right now.
Some of the annoying pop music my kids like isn’t really as annoying as I complain that it is, except for Fall Out Boy. That group stinks.
On more than one occasion while doing laundry, I’ve made judgment calls that some articles of clothing did not actually need to be washed.
Ahhhh. I feel so much better now. Thanks. I think I may have earned some non-birthday birthday cake. Or, better yet, a free pass on the laundry this week.
Contact Kristen Cook at firstname.lastname@example.org or 573-4194. On Twitter: @kcookski. One last confession: Cook has herself, on multiple occasions, walked up to the wrong minivan in parking lots and one time even climbed inside, scaring the woman behind the wheel. Her family watched it all happen and laughed.